waiting for snow

i am waiting, that is what i have been doing. minutes, hours and days slip through slowly, yet a feeling of things moving quickly are also being felt. I am waiting for snow to fall, there has been none in fact since i have moved to vermont and this being my second winter there has been no snow, the planet is changing it's layers putting on new clothing to adapt to the rising heat and i don't like it.

There is no sign of holiday's here in the house and i keep telling myself to go out there and forage and bring back some pine, but in a time when i  hope for new life- taking any kind of  life seems unkind and i can not seem to do it, in fact a huge grey birch tree fell inches from the coop and house and as i cut into it yesterday i was filled with sorrow, the hypocrisy i feel writing this down for i burn wood to heat my house daily, life a delicate entanglement of wants versus needs. There is a huge branch of evergreen that fell because of it, perhaps i will simply string that along in the house or on the barn doors. you must think i have no spirit, i have asked that myself to myself and the timing of the holidays is mixing in with something much more pressing in my life and i am consumed by it, yet i stay quiet and still not to fully grasp what is coming. as i write this i know i must go out there and get that piece of green, i must fill the house with good spirit for in turn it will fill me.

I did go for a beautiful walk this morning, hence the photographs above. warm rain and fog kept me company, i explored the pond, writers shack the walnut grove, apple orchard and then entered the forest. i love it here, in fact this just might be (is) my favorite place on earth and the happiness i feel here i have never felt elsewhere.

hush

there is part of me that wants to hush everything, put a finger to my lips and say shhhh and yet there is part of me that wants to say everything empty all my thoughts, fears and hopes. i started to think is there anyone one who has that person in their life that they say everything too. I have some great people in my life but not one those, although i have no doubt they would except that role but it is i who has trouble.

Tomorrow will be epic, i can not say more even if i tried for even for myself as the very thought of it comes to surface i quiet it down. we all have things that change the path or confirm the path we are on, i wonder how many of those we get in out life time. i wrote those very words to friend via text yesterday, can i just say how much i hate texting i feel like it is some sort of demotion in friendship in a way,  anyhow as i wrote that down i thought surely i have had many path changing events but more i thought about it more i realized some of what i thought was huge disappeared shadowed by greater things.

I found this and something about it lifted my spirits, "stars in still water" by Jonsi, i know how to see those, i do not know how it came to be, perhaps my  mother teaching me to see beauty in everything.

*sophie and grooming created such a ethereal scene.

awoken

i decided i want to remember it the way it was when we were in it,  not how our over thinking minds and rationalization made them out to be. i guess what i am saying is that i do not feel the same but i am okay with not saying, me too anymore. i am putting away the armor now and i will greet you or him or them without it with the risk of being broken but also the possibility of being woken:)

*shots taken with iphone

a warm sky and the rainbow

i started writing this on the train from ny too home while enjoying the sunset on hudson river. I thought about these images while walking the hot pavement in the city, i had a nice time and hope to go back very soon to do a few things i just could not do this time around. i will be able to show images from this
trip only in the fall.

 i thought about how it seems as if the night before i leave the hill  the sky is even lovelier than all the days before as if letting me know that this is where my heart resides and why i must come home.  the evening before i left,  I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mother after chores, when i looked up i saw the warmest tones line the sky, a quick rain shower before had formed a rainbow, as all this was happening the sun began to set. i stood on the grass with my bare feet, this is where i live, i function & breathe. within minutes behind me the sky was the colour of wild fire, while the front was a mix of soft tones with a rainbow of vibrant colors ( not captured well).  the air was a mix of cool and warmth like a swim in lake on hot summer night, the leaves moved against the window making the sound of pouring rain without a drop, birds and fire flies flew about and the air played at the back of my neck.  i stood, i paused, i stared and inhaled and now four days later, i finally exhale.

I watched my mum and k drive down the driveway heading to montreal this morning, strange that i am not with them, but  knowing that one and half days of solitude i have craved will help me press reset and prepare for the arrival of my niece & nephew for their summer on the hill. i will weed the garden , listen to music as i am right now and maybe lay in the hammock at some point looking up at the sky through the trees while it grounds me. this evening i will welcome the sunset from the table in the barn while eating dinner made solely from my garden.

hope you guys are doing well, but even better than well.

suddenly snow and galloping horses

i was organizing going through papers, cleaning cupboards when i heard the dogs barking a minute later i could feel the ground shake and the sound of galloping horses. i looked out the window and it was snowing. I grabbed my wool hat, put the battery in the camera and ran outside. seeing the horses at play is so beautiful.  they love the snow and the crisp air that comes with it. usually tolstoy and splash are slow heavy footed beast who spend there day eating hay and grazing( we have had no snow so they are still eating grass). to see them fly in the air, kick up their legs, roll and shake their heads is an experience you have to see for yourself, it is grand. My photographs are not the best i know but perhaps they give you a sense of what it is like.

Now i am back indoors, looking at gluten free recipes for this weekends house guest. a wonderful blogger who's book is the talk of the blogger sphere and her family, it is their first visit to the hill and i am a bit nervous but also excited and all this made better because it just might include snow!

wow it is really, really snowing now!

repeat the sound of joy

this morning a light snow fell and a thick fog settled peaceful on top of it.   later it began to rain and the tempature rose and by early afternoon the sun was brightly pushing away clouds and a rainbow hopped the hill tops.   i thought about this as i desperately searched for a christmas tree,  it seems that vermont did not cut enough but perhaps it is because i was breaking k and my tradition of picking up our tree on christmas eve as we have done for some many years now. so one can hope that tomorrow we will have a tree  and that the melted snow might come again.

so here i am on the hill with a roaring fire and a beautifully stacked pile of wood that i stacked last night under the stars, i love doing it i think i mentioned that before.  i thought about the morning and the changes from snow and fog to rain and sun- that has been my life too, a mixture of all kinds of things sometimes sad but most of the time beautiful.

Dear readers i wish you a happy holiday, every one has a different measurement for what that might be if it is big or small all i wish for you is too hold unto to it for as long as you can.

at the end of one of my favourite holiday movies( i might have watched it every night this week) well at the end of it one of the characters hums and repeats softly repeat the sound of joy, repeat the sound of joy... and for some reason yesterday those words fell deeply into my soul

let's  all repeat the sound of joy

with kindness & warmth

nadia

howling

i sit quietly at my dining table, rain is falling and hits the window pane by a fierce wind. early this morning i would have told you about how it was unusually mild and how the snow is disappearing but no, all is different now.  an early fire was needed to cut the chill in the air, slowly i am learning where the drafts are in this big house. i sit at the dining table where moments before in this very place i wrote about  my antique table at length, my most treasured possession. i have accidentally erase it, i guess it's story not ready to be told. the wind is howling,  drops of rain hit all sorts of things  different sounds could be heard all throughout the house.  i am waiting for the library to open, i am waiting for an answer on something big, i am waiting.  i am waiting for the wind to calm and for messages to land. this week i have been uneasy and even lazy, i do not like to be those things.  i have sat by the fire with books of all kinds, from hemingway,  george eliot, to gustave flaubert yet with impatience. i have let hours pass without anything to say or feel. did i tell you the wind is howling and the rain she is bitterly cold....