deep happiness

dear readers, i had not meant to be gone this long. life on the hill changed in one minute and my heart is so full. I am not able to explain just yet but i desperately want to share my happiness with you. It is the kind of happiness that comes with great risk, so everyday, many times a day i whisper little things to myself to keep me in the moment, not looking past today.

I leave for Europe in a couple of weeks, that did come so fast. Leaving the farm and all that it means is so very hard but now it seems unbearable but i also know that once i hot Italian soil, i will know how lucky i am to be in such a place.

I am thinking of you, i hope life allows me to share more of my happiness with you in a more open way, i hate keeping anything from you, so i will whisper it into the wind and you just might hear it.

glad to be home

    hi there, i am writing to you from the hill and i can not tell you how glad i am to be home. The fog is thick and the air is warm and again the snow begins to melt. I have been away both for work and personal reasons and at every quiet  moment i craved the hill, thought about the animals and tea by the fire. I spent some time in Maine while we shot and styled many stories, met incredible people who were inspired to start something and in turn have left me genuinely happy knowing that good people are doing great things.

It has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster  sad and happy news seem to intertwine but the ability to remain hopeful and at the same time and the continual belief that the path i am on is the right one keeps me moving forward. I learned quite a bit these past few days about myself and others and i do feel at this moment overwhelmed by all of it. i have one day to try to process it all and take away what is useful and let go of the things that are no longer.

Dear friends, it  is a sunny fog out there so thick that you would think that the clouds have fallen unto the pastures. i feel as if i can fall asleep standing up and i have never said that in my life- so i am treasuring the next twenty four hours before i am in the thick of it again. there will be a few walks in the forest and across the fields, a book left by a friend to read and a loaf of bread baked by another on the hill and left for me to slice into and i do hope a few good hours of sleep.

waiting for snow

i am waiting, that is what i have been doing. minutes, hours and days slip through slowly, yet a feeling of things moving quickly are also being felt. I am waiting for snow to fall, there has been none in fact since i have moved to vermont and this being my second winter there has been no snow, the planet is changing it's layers putting on new clothing to adapt to the rising heat and i don't like it.

There is no sign of holiday's here in the house and i keep telling myself to go out there and forage and bring back some pine, but in a time when i  hope for new life- taking any kind of  life seems unkind and i can not seem to do it, in fact a huge grey birch tree fell inches from the coop and house and as i cut into it yesterday i was filled with sorrow, the hypocrisy i feel writing this down for i burn wood to heat my house daily, life a delicate entanglement of wants versus needs. There is a huge branch of evergreen that fell because of it, perhaps i will simply string that along in the house or on the barn doors. you must think i have no spirit, i have asked that myself to myself and the timing of the holidays is mixing in with something much more pressing in my life and i am consumed by it, yet i stay quiet and still not to fully grasp what is coming. as i write this i know i must go out there and get that piece of green, i must fill the house with good spirit for in turn it will fill me.

I did go for a beautiful walk this morning, hence the photographs above. warm rain and fog kept me company, i explored the pond, writers shack the walnut grove, apple orchard and then entered the forest. i love it here, in fact this just might be (is) my favorite place on earth and the happiness i feel here i have never felt elsewhere.

can i tell

can i tell you about my days, can i tell you the small details that accumulate and fill the space of time, would that be okay? there so many little moments through out my day and even though i just asked if i could tell you, i realize how much there would be to write and i am not the best of writers. Instead can i tell you that right now i am sitting on the floor by the fire with my back to the couch my laptop resting on my thighs  tea cup to my side and music pouring out of my speakers. The sun is behind thick clouds but  still manages to create such a beautiful light.

Can i tell you that even though there is so much to think about, i have finally found a way to quiet my mind, not rush to get to a place i do not know. can i tell you that i have added some more things to my daily routine/rituals like holding a pencil in my hand and writing a few things that have trouble being said or written any other way and how i am doing push ups, gosh that sounds so harsh in contrast to what i usually say here but such a quick stress reliever and brings me a sense of calm. hands flat on the wooden floor, my weight resting on them as i move towards it and then push against it, move towards it, push away from it.

can i tell you that i took a long walk today and i touched the bark on trees and scooped the greenest of moss, it felt nice to feel these things,  to feel things in your hands.  right now the winter sun is coming in and that is nice on my skin, and the piano playing is also lovely. i am calm and that is unexpected.

evergreen

this morning the alarm went off upstairs as i was already walking about downstairs. the kettle whistled as the sun began to pierce through the sky, fog and warm air crept up the hill. there would be a morning ride through the green mountains, a ritual for the soul that seeks to see more.  wet thick snow
quickly melting, fog so solid that slowing down is a must.  I looked out at all this,  more than everything else it was the evergreens that held my attention. i love them most of all against winter's backdrop,  as i say this the smell that comes from camping underneath them on hot summer day is equally pleasant to remember.

 Yesterday was one of those days that you stay in your wool socks and comfy clothes, that you listen to only things that make you feel safe and talk about only kind things, or maybe hardly talk at all. yesterday tears fell randomly all through out the day but more like burst of sun showers than ones that stem from sad things, i am happy, i am dizzy, i am learning and i am so grateful for your kind comments and emails.

....as i made it through the beautiful mountain landscape that i call home, i sat in a cafe and sipped  a beautiful prepared mocha and played the best chess game ever. then i drove back towards the hill as the sky, the delicate sun and fog made the whole journey feel as if i was looking through rose coloured glasses,  the truth is i often do even on those dark days.

elements

i think you might be looking for post about europe, work and play and i apologize for again putting those posts off for a little longer.

I am sitting at the dining table a mix of grey clouds made brighter from a sun that is trying to pierce through. this weeks rain,  wind storms and fog brought clarity and somehow there is both a lightness to my step and  a heaviness that allows me to know that i am in the moment. I avoided so many things in the last few years in the hopes of protecting walls i had painstakingly put up but the last week i walked towards those and attempted to shake them to see that they will still stand if attacked and i think they will, yet one can not know for sure. so instead i decided to carve out holes like look outs in it's facade and by doing so the sun came into my being and it felt warm and kind and raw but without edge.

dear readers i do not often express wants of physical objects since i hardly want such things but i have had a deep desire to learn the cello or even more so the bass and would like to find one that might have a story, one that has been allowed to age naturally, if anyone should know of such i would love to know about her, it's time for me to no longer put it off. you  might like this, i have listened to it  for a few days now.

the photographs were taken once again with my phone a tool that sees how i see and i have come to except it as such. i hope you are well and that your weekend will be good i have been craving the ocean and will make a good attempt to see it and ask why she let the wind get the better of her, NY i am sorry for the heartbreak.

fog and fire.

it is early sunday morning and the sun begins to rise and i again wake feeling lucky but also a little fragile yet calm. i learned a few things this weekend about myself that were pieced together with thought, a listening ear and a friend speaking the same native tongue, perhaps i have known those things before but i again wanted to make them clear to myself. i believe i can change so much of  me but what i am realizing is that somehow how i have not been given the same tool box of emotions, coping and know how as others around me have and that makes some of my being feeling as if i will always be a certain way. I am not sure if  i am sad about it, i do not think i am except when i accidentally get lost in my own fog or when i set fire to my insides which i work so hard to not let that happen even though as i am writing you i hardly am thinking of it at all, while forgetting that certain things are not for me.  if i stay quiet enough i can see i have everything i want  need and that is not worth trading what is needed for what is wanted specially when i do not think i could possibly begin to articulate what that would be, although this song that i borrowed from says it perfectly.

the valley below

i am working inside the house, i am cold but i know that the house is warm between the mild weather and the fire burning i can tell  my core tempertaure is off i do not mind it since  it keeps me moving. the light is also unusual as well and i should pick up the camera but for some reason i stare at it instead.

the last few days have been one of returning to home not so much the physical home but the one within me.  i have done this by listening to a lot of music and reading some passages and also by taking an early morning walk or two but most of all by letting thoughts swirl and fall away more easily than i have been able to let go of them in the past. sometimes when i think of writing to you i want to list all my dreams, hopes and desires but lately i have realized what i want to do more than anything is describe the feelings i want to feel, like how one would describe the afternoon sun hitting a dusty window pane and the warm glow that comes from it or how the fog makes everything surreal as it's mist gently touches your face.

I am not numb, i say this because i think i must have been for a while, a long one even. yet i  also have a feeling of being one of a blank canvas with only slight brushes strokes just waiting to take shape.

the other morning on my way to montreal i came across this valley right down below form my home, i stood there for a long while, then i shot, the images are not what i hoped them to be but the feeling remains.

a drive, fog, music and happy

i hardly slept the night before, getting stung by a dozen bees or more can make that happen not to mention the below freezing temperature that came upon the hill suddenly. I let the dogs out at the earliest sign of dawn light, dressed and wrapped my neck with a scarf grabbed my bag and rental car keys and headed out. there was fog, i made my way down the new dirt road and unto a paved one and began to shoot, with my phone a habit i am thinking might right about now seem like an addiction. 

i had also found a new radio channel filled with my favorite kind  of music. i drove around bends, through small towns and then unto route seven heading to hudson ny, but captivated by the fog and the lines of the road and textures of trees i found myself behind schedule and decided to go to saratoga a little closer for coffee and just maybe something flaky and sweet to eat.  i did just that i picked up a chocolate croissant at one place and walked into another, a new to me place filled to the rim of people the kind that has a heartbeat and rhythm. i ordered my mocha, looked around for an empty table not one can be found and i proceeded to do something i never did and asked to share a table with someone. he put his hand out and said my name is John and responded that i am nadia and we each turned back to our devices, him his lap top and i my iphone. a few minutes later he asked what i was doing and i told him looking at pics i had taken earlier, we started chatting, laughing and talking photography, a friend of his stopped at the table and we chatted some more then i got up gathered myself and said nice to meet you both and walked out the cafe ( all this was no more than twenty minutes). a few minutes later driving down the road while eating bits of my croissant which is such a treat for someone who is a raw foodie most of the time, anyhow a song came on that i loved, i turned the sound up and lowered my window and began to sang and dance and i mean really do those things with full intent. i am not sure what happened to me, was it the sweet treat or just feeling balanced by a good morning of  shooting,  good conversation, good drive and music. i was happy this is what happy looks like on me.

I shared this story with my dear friend Tzurit last night and as i pressed send, tears fell i recognize them to be the good kind the kind that comes from sharing a moment that reminds you that you are still breathing strong with a friend who will get exactly what you mean.

*images taken with phone.

when letters from readers remind you about the fog

i am sitting as a cool breeze brought in by pouring rain makes me put on the kettle, the fog comes in out and just like the emails in my inbox from you my readers, i am reminded what i have been missing. yes, as i mentioned i have embraced this summer more than previous ones, although how it is almost the middle of august i do not know. i mentioned emails and in the last few days i have received emails from readers who some have never commented but have been reading from the very beginning and in these letters they wrote how the photographs and words of la porte rouge are needed in their life, a sanctuary of sorts for the their soul and mind,  reading those words and now writing them here i have goosebumps for they are saying these things about something that has to do with me. yet what you do not know just like them i need it and when they talk about photographs of the hill, forest walks and the fog stirring them, i am reminded about how much these things stir in me, better yet how much they are part of what i need to exist. now i know that sounds dramatic but i assure you i had almost found myself on empty these past weeks, not because  summer has been miserable because like i stated above the contrary it has been full but feeling full can not replace the need for certain nutrients to feel healthy and at peace and for me those things mean the hill, it's landscape and the living things that like me inhabit this piece of land.

yesterday when in the middle of tears for some personal matter i received another one of these emails, as soon as i read it i knew what i had to do. i walked out to the forest, i stood among deep greens and trees that stood like protectors of what i treasure most. today waking up with a list of errands and things i wanted to do, my body shut me down and i found myself deeply under the weather. this was gift i recognized that and  i sat listening to the rain and watching the fog come in, i slipped into my boots went outside to feel the fogs soft mist turn into rain drops that fell upon me enough to help mend my aching bones. i walked to the garden and ate a few tomatoes and peas that had been washed by the mother nature herself, i held a butterfly with a broken wing and let her drink and eat the juice of a plum.

now i sit and my dinning table as a piano plays in the back round and the fog is coming in through the window, elle's twirling in it saying look auntie the fog is in the house, yes i say and whisper back in my soul too... and as all this, elle, fog, piano and the sound of the rain mixes and fills my senses i can feel my heart hurt in the way it lets you know you are living something special even magical.

so dear friends who share your thoughts and letters with me, i too need this in my life and i thank you for reminding me just like the the fog and rain has today.