seeing the light, opened by friendship

early this morning, after a good sleep which is very rare for me i grabbed a sweater and a hat, a dog and my camera i set out for a walk, i needed it. the cool air greeting my lungs and i felt every breath. that my dear readers is also how the last few days have played out, i have purged so much unwanted clutter that has been piled in the walls of my heart and mind that every inhale and exhale has been felt.

this is not the post i promised to write about other peoples lives, the city and their success and i will but today i needed to write about being in the shadows and how i never minded it, in fact i have been pretty good at it my whole life, but as of late their has been such an unbalance that i am afraid i woke up and felt smothered by the lack of light i have received. I have for the very first time in my life a group of people  in my life who care for me, this perplexes me for truth be told i have not done anything for them in comparison to what i have done for others yet they somehow when i am speaking with them put me first and for some reason keep me there, i feel the difference and it is incredible feeling one that is both overwhelming and so kind that my heart feels the bittersweet ache of what true genuine loveliness is.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for believing in the possibility of good in me dear friends.

i read this quote yesterday and although i admit to hating to tell you  who said it ( keira knightly) i found it to be so true.

I don't think that you can fake warmth. You can fake lust,

 jealousy, anger; those are all quite easy.

 But actual, genuine warmth? I don't think you can fake it.

I also have been listening to Jonsi and he my friends can put fairy dust to your every day dream and make your daily life even more magical

summer so far....great.

i am going to tell you that our weekend was nice a perfect mix of work and play. there has been so much laughter. I have been working hard in the garden, it is not big at all but i want continues crops
so i add between rows almost everyday. we have done some good stuff, like berry picking, walks, joke telling. we have shared some good meals, eaten our weight in fruit. we have given our big dogs baths, there has been show marathons, not really my thing but the kids keep reminding me it's summer, more play and relaxation that chores and work aunty.  actually today i have spent it mostly in the garden and them indoors,  it is hard to realize what is fun for me  is not exactly fun for them. i think i romanticize gardening and long walks that i can't imagine them not liking it so.  we did put up a tent, getting ready for a weekend by the lake in the mountains i can not wait and that is something everyone is excited about, i have been tempted to sneak in it right now with a good book.

did i tell you mondays are the hardest to share, they have become my favorite days of all days, perhaps one day i will put into words. we are waiting for noisette our duck to hatch ducklings, it was not our plan but she hid them pretty good and she has been so dedicated, do you know they hardly eat and drink so that they can keep their eggs warm, incredible mothers.

i can feel that my post will become scattered and that my thoughts and pics might be all over the place,
please forgive me it seems like i can't do summer well and keep focus too, but i love it here my little place for story telling. i have also started to use instagram, i am very nervous telling you since i love how i am able to share vignettes here on la porte rouge it quiet and intimate, but if you would like to see daily tidbits from the hill then you can find me on instagram under laporterouge ( wow i am actually shaking).

dear friends, thank you for being here, honestly you guys are incredible wise and kind.

a warm sky and the rainbow

i started writing this on the train from ny too home while enjoying the sunset on hudson river. I thought about these images while walking the hot pavement in the city, i had a nice time and hope to go back very soon to do a few things i just could not do this time around. i will be able to show images from this
trip only in the fall.

 i thought about how it seems as if the night before i leave the hill  the sky is even lovelier than all the days before as if letting me know that this is where my heart resides and why i must come home.  the evening before i left,  I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mother after chores, when i looked up i saw the warmest tones line the sky, a quick rain shower before had formed a rainbow, as all this was happening the sun began to set. i stood on the grass with my bare feet, this is where i live, i function & breathe. within minutes behind me the sky was the colour of wild fire, while the front was a mix of soft tones with a rainbow of vibrant colors ( not captured well).  the air was a mix of cool and warmth like a swim in lake on hot summer night, the leaves moved against the window making the sound of pouring rain without a drop, birds and fire flies flew about and the air played at the back of my neck.  i stood, i paused, i stared and inhaled and now four days later, i finally exhale.

I watched my mum and k drive down the driveway heading to montreal this morning, strange that i am not with them, but  knowing that one and half days of solitude i have craved will help me press reset and prepare for the arrival of my niece & nephew for their summer on the hill. i will weed the garden , listen to music as i am right now and maybe lay in the hammock at some point looking up at the sky through the trees while it grounds me. this evening i will welcome the sunset from the table in the barn while eating dinner made solely from my garden.

hope you guys are doing well, but even better than well.

quiet, a lavender sky and days with mum.

the sky has turned so dark that you would think it is closer to the evening than midday. the wind has picked up and the pieces of paper that casually sit on the table have blown to the ground. it is monday, monday is were i seek quietness to reset. my mum has been visiting and perhaps i have been too quiet for her liking, thank goodness for her love of books, i think she is on her fourth in just a week. our days have been one of early morning drives and late dinners. her craving meat and i sharing raw dishes making her forget her craving ( i hope) all the while picking what has been growing from the garden and stopping by farmers markets filling baskets.

looking up from my computer just now, i can see a real storm is coming. the next few days i will be getting the house, garden and animals ready as i take a quick trip to new york ( more on that at another time). i am nervous as usual to leave things behind, my mum will be at the helm. I think it is time to get the iphone i was gifted by mr. taylor activated. last night i welcomed the evening with a full heart after a wonderful day, this morning the fear that i will get trampled by the amount of work that needs to be done is swirling in my mind.  of course it will get it done, i am motivated by last minute pressure something that does not seem too good on the heart.

I  have been listening to Glen Hansard  rhythm and repose and even when away from his voice and walking in the fields through a stunning array of wild flowers his words replay in my mind like poetry
that i have learned to recite. Oh dear friends i recognize me in his written pieces and when that happens with any type of art, music, paintings, photographs it is as if i have walked into a film recounting the memories of my life and at the same time showing me scenes from what is yet to come.

the water, the flesh and the flame

perhaps it was the heat and the stillness of the air but as i stood in the pasture right before day became night i felt as if everything around me was spinning. it was not a fast spin but slow moving, i could see the horses finish the last of their supper grain and birds flying by, it took me a minute to realize that it was i that had been turning.  yet inside i felt as if a rush of emotions and thoughts had come to the surface all at once yet they struggled pushing against the inner layer of my skin, wanting desperately to get out. without a rush my steps became a steady run, i took off my hat and pulled my shirt over my head, my jeans fell to the ground and i barely slowed down to step out of them, within a minute i was in the pond. my life a quiet routine that has become  as precise as the ticking of a clock,  but now horses lifted their heads and dogs sat up from a resting positions, was their "roommate" having a breakdown.

no, no i was not in fact the complete opposite was taking place.  as the water moved around me and the sky became darker i knew that for far too long the flesh that covered my body was too thick and i had used it as a guard against heartbreak now that the layer had become thinner the inside call, yell, scream that had been trapped and silenced could penetrate through my flesh and make it out to be heard. maybe it was the cobblestones streets and deep laughter or the reflection in shop windows of who i once was and am again but something made it that even though this is strange sounding, as i was almost completely submerged in water i felt like my fire did not go out after all, there was doubt of course, but there would be none anymore.

my days and the barn

there has been quiet days of hard work and relaxation. storms and sun have been present everyday and i like it. most of my days have been spent in my vegetable garden, the rain has been challenging for growing things but i love how a garden slowly becomes what you have imagined.  i have also been cleaning out "the barn" it is attached to the house and if i did not have animals would be known as the garage but with beautiful placed stones for flooring and beautiful aged wood, we call it the barn. in the summer we clear all the hay that has been stored which we just used  in trade for farrier work for the horses, how i like this type of transaction.  i set up a dining table, chandelier, chaise and ottoman and still have lots to do, although i must confess i have a different vision for it, a long farm table, benches,  grey and natural linens. this year i hope to use it every night for dinner, rain or shine and i will be blogging from my old grey gate leg table often in fact i am right now. i hope to spend time reading from the large wicker wing back chair as i hear the sound of birds and feel the breeze from my shaded spot.  every morning from sunrise to sunset the view is different here on the hill and a year into living here it never ceases to take my breath away.  the barn doors open to this view and as i write you pink lined clouds and soft feminine hues let you know that the sun is very close to setting and in just an hour or so after chores tonight , i  will  be able to sit with a cup of tea and watch the fireflies and stars transform the sky.

In a few days i head to Montreal, what a treat this of the most unexpected kind. a friend i have never met and i have quickly become close too, has asked and invited me to go along to celebrate her fortieth birthday,  i feel honored to do so. It is never easy leaving the farm but thanks to another surprise my dear k will be watching over things, knowing that in doing so i will be more relaxed to enjoy our food and freedom trip as Tzurit has named it. I can't wait to share with you our time. i am very much looking forward to it and specially getting to know more about someone i feel as if i have known for always.

so dear friends i wish you a wonderful week.

*  i am not happy with these  horrible images,  i will do better.

* i just came back after putting the chickens and ducks in, the light is so beautiful and soft and nightfall is upon us, this space has made me very happy typing away looking out.  the daisies i see from  here look magical, okay i am off to feed the horses, shower, make something nourishing for dinner and sit out here with a smile in my heart for having accomplished much this weekend.

the life outside my door

the weather is now a perfect. a big stunning storm came and took away all the humidity.   it has a been all about the outdoors here on the hill.  special moments that feel as if they have been choreographed just for me, like deers giving birth in our long grasses and even though only through binoculars can i experienced it, it is still incredible. baby swallows hatch and fly away as i hold my breathe hoping that  their mama does not leave one behind. discovering and eating tiny wild strawberries from the fields. picking my first few radishes and eating them instantly, my vegetable garden growing in perfect and not so perfect rows. butterflies, fireflies, finches, chipmunks with babies who be friend a birds . bouquets of wildflowers scattered through the house, daisies, bachelor buttons, corn flowers, yarrow, black eye susans and these flocks that can be seen everywhere even through town and by road side. there has been two wasp bites within seconds, medicine and sleepiness. lemonade, hammocks and walks in tall grasses. there has been evenings by windows, cool breezes and sounds of tree frogs and stories from radios. all this is the goodness that make's it clear , i live in the country down a dirt road, on a large patch of earth that feels so far from everything but more real than anything else i know.

my heart illuminated

it is late in the evening the windows are wide open trying to catch every breeze that comes up and through this hill. there is music playing and right now i hear the violin and cello more than all the rest.  the evening breeze she is a friend who comes when she hears your heart call, when she feels the words become caught between your rib cage and skin. it is incredible how quickly i fell into this piece of music,  a transporter of time. twirling away from you and towards you and for you. if i was daring i would walk out into the blackened sky feeling the earth with my naked feet, hands reaching for what my eyes can not see but the illumination in my heart would guide me and i would find you, fall for you. you would be staring back at me through the darkness that was time past, wasted,  i am not daring so i let the breeze and the violin stir in me as i feel natures breath on my soul,  my fingers open and i let it slip away..

*inspired by music i heard on a movie trailer by composer harry scott, perhaps i listened to it over hundred times.
* photographs a quick walk in the forest today before a menacing storm