nature of me

i am good at it, good at staying quiet when my insides scream. i am good at letting things roll off me even though they somehow end up inside of me. I am good at not pretending to pretend. i am good and believing it is my fault when it is not. i am bad at speaking when my insides are screaming, i am bad as i  keep things in when i should let them roll off of me. i am bad for taking the blame when you are in the wrong.

somehow things work themselves out, somehow there is fog and rain, sun and snow in one day. sometimes i am four seasons, i grow and shed, change and bloom all in on hour that is the nature of me and i am finally realizing some of it i can not change and some of it i no longer feel the need to change. i am i, like wool is wool.

I like this song for in it i recognize the quietness behind the screams, the static between two feelings.

evergreen

this morning the alarm went off upstairs as i was already walking about downstairs. the kettle whistled as the sun began to pierce through the sky, fog and warm air crept up the hill. there would be a morning ride through the green mountains, a ritual for the soul that seeks to see more.  wet thick snow
quickly melting, fog so solid that slowing down is a must.  I looked out at all this,  more than everything else it was the evergreens that held my attention. i love them most of all against winter's backdrop,  as i say this the smell that comes from camping underneath them on hot summer day is equally pleasant to remember.

 Yesterday was one of those days that you stay in your wool socks and comfy clothes, that you listen to only things that make you feel safe and talk about only kind things, or maybe hardly talk at all. yesterday tears fell randomly all through out the day but more like burst of sun showers than ones that stem from sad things, i am happy, i am dizzy, i am learning and i am so grateful for your kind comments and emails.

....as i made it through the beautiful mountain landscape that i call home, i sat in a cafe and sipped  a beautiful prepared mocha and played the best chess game ever. then i drove back towards the hill as the sky, the delicate sun and fog made the whole journey feel as if i was looking through rose coloured glasses,  the truth is i often do even on those dark days.

water and the warmth of the sun

i am keeping this one in i think it is beautiful, over exposed something i have been feeling myself.

sound  ( sent to me by someone dear)

the sun is warming parts of the table as i type this to you, i want to be warmed by it too.  the sunlight is touching so many things as i look around, everything looks both delicate and beautiful.  i think i have taken half breaths for too many days now and i wait patiently for a deep long one. yesterday i searched for the sea, water,  i needed water and i found it just as  it too was being touched by the sun. 

I am ready to be quiet, quiet before the snow comes and winter tucks me in. i want to speak only if what i say can be of use to anyone. i want to fill some of what has been lost and stay still. i want my hands to hold a bow and wood of something that can make sound after sound until i learn it and it learns me. i want to burn bridges in order to self preserve, it is what i do remember i told you that....

i want to be better for you, them and for those i have not met yet. i want to be better for myself-too myself and just maybe then the sun light will touch me.

elements

i think you might be looking for post about europe, work and play and i apologize for again putting those posts off for a little longer.

I am sitting at the dining table a mix of grey clouds made brighter from a sun that is trying to pierce through. this weeks rain,  wind storms and fog brought clarity and somehow there is both a lightness to my step and  a heaviness that allows me to know that i am in the moment. I avoided so many things in the last few years in the hopes of protecting walls i had painstakingly put up but the last week i walked towards those and attempted to shake them to see that they will still stand if attacked and i think they will, yet one can not know for sure. so instead i decided to carve out holes like look outs in it's facade and by doing so the sun came into my being and it felt warm and kind and raw but without edge.

dear readers i do not often express wants of physical objects since i hardly want such things but i have had a deep desire to learn the cello or even more so the bass and would like to find one that might have a story, one that has been allowed to age naturally, if anyone should know of such i would love to know about her, it's time for me to no longer put it off. you  might like this, i have listened to it  for a few days now.

the photographs were taken once again with my phone a tool that sees how i see and i have come to except it as such. i hope you are well and that your weekend will be good i have been craving the ocean and will make a good attempt to see it and ask why she let the wind get the better of her, NY i am sorry for the heartbreak.

the valley below

i am working inside the house, i am cold but i know that the house is warm between the mild weather and the fire burning i can tell  my core tempertaure is off i do not mind it since  it keeps me moving. the light is also unusual as well and i should pick up the camera but for some reason i stare at it instead.

the last few days have been one of returning to home not so much the physical home but the one within me.  i have done this by listening to a lot of music and reading some passages and also by taking an early morning walk or two but most of all by letting thoughts swirl and fall away more easily than i have been able to let go of them in the past. sometimes when i think of writing to you i want to list all my dreams, hopes and desires but lately i have realized what i want to do more than anything is describe the feelings i want to feel, like how one would describe the afternoon sun hitting a dusty window pane and the warm glow that comes from it or how the fog makes everything surreal as it's mist gently touches your face.

I am not numb, i say this because i think i must have been for a while, a long one even. yet i  also have a feeling of being one of a blank canvas with only slight brushes strokes just waiting to take shape.

the other morning on my way to montreal i came across this valley right down below form my home, i stood there for a long while, then i shot, the images are not what i hoped them to be but the feeling remains.

a little of my time in switzerland

Dearest friends that i am sitting on the hill at my farm table with the sun shining through the windows is  mind boggling hence i have not been at this position for almost a full month. I have been away for so long but as i have said such a large piece of my heart and mind has been here on the hill the whole time.

I have just spent one the most rewarding weeks in a long time with my dear friend kimberly and although what i want to do more than anything is tell you about it, i think it would be best to start of with other incredible moments from my work and holiday trip to europe. after looking through only half of photographs i have taken in the last month, it has become clear i must just jump right into. i do apologize for i might end up mixing a few images from on day to the next but i will keep them from the same country at least:)

the photographs above are from my time in switzerland with my friend Juliana. I have to say that i was so drawn to the rural part of switzerland. we walked along a path around a lake and on farm land. it rained, mist and fog made me feel at home oh and the cows ( more one them soon). Juliana was so welcoming, i was spoiled by home cooked meals and when you are on your own like i am and are the only cook in the family it is very rare to sit down at a table and eat something that was made by others.  Juliana is a wonderful cook, while she cooked i highjacked her dinning table and opened so many of her cook books from her incredible collection and with pen and paper found myself writing recipes i wanted to try on the hill. Andi her husband would harvest a lettuce from their beautiful garden and prepare the most simple of salads dressed with a delicate and beautiful dressing. All of the things i ate, like the incredible lentil soup, walnut cake and tagine will be repeated here in my own kitchen and i am sure it will bring back such nice memories of my time with the lovely juliana & andy in their home.

More from switzerland soon, it is good to be back and be able to share with you moments from my travel.

not from the hill, but all so lovely

i had hoped to leave you with a hill post before i departed for france but time did not allow for that, so instead i write to you from the medieval village of Beynac in Dordogne. it is early morning here, still dark and i can hear the rain from my open window. Days have been filled with work, meeting new people, making new friends and all things french. I have eaten my weight in baguette and figs. the above photographs are  just a quick few as we shot and picnicked in a walnut grove. chickens and geese made me think of the hill and the animals, i am told all is well with them, (thank you sarah).

i hope you are all doing well and that the early autumn is good to you, a bientot! 

seeing the light, opened by friendship

early this morning, after a good sleep which is very rare for me i grabbed a sweater and a hat, a dog and my camera i set out for a walk, i needed it. the cool air greeting my lungs and i felt every breath. that my dear readers is also how the last few days have played out, i have purged so much unwanted clutter that has been piled in the walls of my heart and mind that every inhale and exhale has been felt.

this is not the post i promised to write about other peoples lives, the city and their success and i will but today i needed to write about being in the shadows and how i never minded it, in fact i have been pretty good at it my whole life, but as of late their has been such an unbalance that i am afraid i woke up and felt smothered by the lack of light i have received. I have for the very first time in my life a group of people  in my life who care for me, this perplexes me for truth be told i have not done anything for them in comparison to what i have done for others yet they somehow when i am speaking with them put me first and for some reason keep me there, i feel the difference and it is incredible feeling one that is both overwhelming and so kind that my heart feels the bittersweet ache of what true genuine loveliness is.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for believing in the possibility of good in me dear friends.

i read this quote yesterday and although i admit to hating to tell you  who said it ( keira knightly) i found it to be so true.

I don't think that you can fake warmth. You can fake lust,

 jealousy, anger; those are all quite easy.

 But actual, genuine warmth? I don't think you can fake it.

I also have been listening to Jonsi and he my friends can put fairy dust to your every day dream and make your daily life even more magical

a drive, fog, music and happy

i hardly slept the night before, getting stung by a dozen bees or more can make that happen not to mention the below freezing temperature that came upon the hill suddenly. I let the dogs out at the earliest sign of dawn light, dressed and wrapped my neck with a scarf grabbed my bag and rental car keys and headed out. there was fog, i made my way down the new dirt road and unto a paved one and began to shoot, with my phone a habit i am thinking might right about now seem like an addiction. 

i had also found a new radio channel filled with my favorite kind  of music. i drove around bends, through small towns and then unto route seven heading to hudson ny, but captivated by the fog and the lines of the road and textures of trees i found myself behind schedule and decided to go to saratoga a little closer for coffee and just maybe something flaky and sweet to eat.  i did just that i picked up a chocolate croissant at one place and walked into another, a new to me place filled to the rim of people the kind that has a heartbeat and rhythm. i ordered my mocha, looked around for an empty table not one can be found and i proceeded to do something i never did and asked to share a table with someone. he put his hand out and said my name is John and responded that i am nadia and we each turned back to our devices, him his lap top and i my iphone. a few minutes later he asked what i was doing and i told him looking at pics i had taken earlier, we started chatting, laughing and talking photography, a friend of his stopped at the table and we chatted some more then i got up gathered myself and said nice to meet you both and walked out the cafe ( all this was no more than twenty minutes). a few minutes later driving down the road while eating bits of my croissant which is such a treat for someone who is a raw foodie most of the time, anyhow a song came on that i loved, i turned the sound up and lowered my window and began to sang and dance and i mean really do those things with full intent. i am not sure what happened to me, was it the sweet treat or just feeling balanced by a good morning of  shooting,  good conversation, good drive and music. i was happy this is what happy looks like on me.

I shared this story with my dear friend Tzurit last night and as i pressed send, tears fell i recognize them to be the good kind the kind that comes from sharing a moment that reminds you that you are still breathing strong with a friend who will get exactly what you mean.

*images taken with phone.