stronger for it

i feel as if i start this letter to you with it is raining outside you might stop reading for i have said that often as of late but alas it is and right now as i look out a millions beads of rain stick to the window pane and in doing so it  creates the most beautiful light and although i would like to to speak more about that light, there is another kind of light i would like to speak off and that is the one that i feel inside (please forgive me if that sounds silly).  Yesterday and every time i read your comments, emails and letters i feel little beads of energy, inspiration and gratitude. those things combined help challenge me, push harder and trust my gut and when i do these things i feel lucky. lucky a word i have been using a lot in my life, specially lately. so even though i wrote just yesterday of heartache i also know how much stronger i feel after it.

Life brings us obstacles of course it does but in giving us those things that challenge, make us momentarily feel weak are also those things that help build braver guts, minds and hearts. I sit here typing these things and i look out into the living room, passed the crackling fire in the wood stove and i see cats & dogs lying about, i know if i was to get up my horses Tolstoy and Splash will be knee high in lush and very so delicious grass, chickens and ducks will be swimming and digging for any insects they could find and if i was to look in the mirror perhaps after all this i would not be as quick to look away but instead stare at the her i have become and the lines on her face and say but it was all worth it and I have no reason to need more than that.

so thank you for sharing with me bits of you, i am stronger you see because of it.

just one hour please

as i  sit here and write this post, dylan sits on the table i want to write a story, so he does. elle reads from the book we bought at the library that was sitting on the shelf on our way out, wildflowers - what a score. the smell of pizza fills the house as it bakes in the oven, covered with the mozzarella that was made this morning and bought at the farmers market. it is almost quiet something that has been absent since the children got here. nearly impossible to get or ask for  but i have craved it so. the clouds have disappeared leaving behind humidity seldom found on the hill. after lunch we take a walk  behind the house to the top of the hill, a daily rituals. then we will tend to the tiniest garden ,weeds will be plucked neat rows will emerge, we will try to copy a trellis made out of discarded branches to define the little patch. then we will throw down grass seed, even though it is summer now on the bare patch so in the fall the ducks and chickens will have more to play with. when we come back inside, we will try for quiet time, just an hour of reading or napping, or writing this hour usually ends up being the loudest. one can only hope it works this time.

* elle in her new dress, how i wish they made it in my size.

little drives with maman

the last few days my mum and i have visited small towns, most of the time in search fro the best farmers market or farm stand. we went to brattelboro trying to find a good mocha, that failed but we walked around spotted an outdoor lounge chair in beautiful floral, my mum wanted to buy it for me, oh what was i thinking when i said no. then on our way home, off a dirt road we discovered a self serve farm stand, we bought dandelion marmalade, greens and farm eggs because the day before i managed to drop two dozen eggs on the floor, my poor chickens if they knew. Yesterday we headed to cambridge, greenwich and saratoga ny, it was a pleasant day that ended at a giant farmers market where i purchased, sprouts, sunflower greens, currants, bread and more. the funny thing is with all that we bought we forgot to eat anything all day except what we had had for breakfast.

Tomorrow i bring my mum back to montreal and pick up the kids, having the kids makes my summer, i usually spend one night in montreal going to the jazz fest, eating my favorite foods but i must come right back for we are having guest, corine and her family will be coming, we have never met in person!

i have had a great time with my mum, she is l o v e l y, i think she is discovering that her daughter is slowly lacking in social skills, dresses badly nowadays, has aged and makes stress nervous.

wild flowers and horses.

this morning i was woken by my horse tolstoy, he was upset because Splash my other horse decided it was greener on the other side, perhaps he was right but jumping the fence was not  what he was supposed to do. i ran down the stairs and outside and got everything back to normal. i decided i would give them their  morning grain and if i was going to do that might as well let the ducks and chickens out too. when i entered back into the house with so very little clothes on ( note to self sleep with more clothes, you never know). i looked at the clock and it was only ten minutes to five, yes five am. i curled up on the couch with dogs trying to get rid of the chill that i got from a cool morning. I knew then it was time to make a new pasture for the horses, so off i went, it was still early enough and a hat was not needed to keep the sun away but as hours when by, i kept working i found myself saying go put your hat on and sunblock. i did not and oh how red i am. what i did notice when i was creating the  new pasture is how tall the fields were, up to my waist if not higher and covered with wild flowers,  beautiful.  k. and i often hike out west and we always say we say we should go in june to see the wild flowers, but not being fond of crowds we always end up out west in september. how great it was so be out there among these wild beautiful fields. i sat in the middle of them for at least a half hour, watching the horses graze, butterflies flicker and the million grass hoppers who were not shy at all and landed on me by the dozens. I always feel there is reward after you do something with your hands and sitting in field of wild flower is sweet  and coming in for a glass of home made hibiscus ice tea is too.

*today after all this i was informed that my fathers cousin was killed my an arm robber in his shop in texas. i wirte this here to remind me the contrast between  life and death that their his horrible things that happen every minute of everyday and that guns is one of the most inhumane things that are legal.

forget me knots

i am in love with forget me knots. since i was a little girl i was intrigued by how delicate they are yet how they seem to grow in the most hashes of places. on my way home on the new dirt road i came across several patches. sunday while the rain fell hard i decided to gather some by the roots and see if i can transplant some to grow freely here at home. i also put them in a simple white pitcher and in my flower press for safe keeping.

it is funny how they are called forget me knots for every spring when i come across them i think how could i forgot them, they just might be my favourite spring wild flower, yet dear lily of the valley soon i will say the same about you.

* have  you ever had dandelion and burdock soda, i had not till today.

trying to quiet the mind

k is away in maine, i miss him. i had a lovely Indian dinner with my friend Sheila last night.

i have been packing all day. tonight i will meet Sheila again about a photo shoot for her new company, she is brave and i have no doubt of it's success. I have thirty pages of Jane Eyre left i must finish soon, because i would like to see the movie in the next few days. 

dear friends tell me what you have been up to, i would really like to hear about it.

when you meet gypsies on the dirt road!

our weekend. 

we had only seven dollars to spend having over extended ourselves that week, january, february never easy on a farm. I was not worried, for i had already planned for home made soups, hummus, apple crisp. we decided saturday morning to head to the cafe and blow it all:) on our way we drove down the dirt road, the sun was bright, yet it was bitterly cold. i was not feeling it since i had just spent the last two hours working hard doing chores.  as we drove down the dirt road i got my camera ready, incase a muscovy duck would be blocking the way or a tree branch would catch the sun just right but what i found instead was a herd of sheep.  i have to tell you i could not contain my excitement,  this was a dirt road after all and the farm was that way and where did they come from i wondered out loud.  i jumped out of the car( it was still moving) and just snapped away. they looked at me with the same questions i had just asked. they were studying me and i them- no that is not true i was admiring them, falling in love with them, specially him, do you see him. they were like a band of gypsies, ragged, dishevelled but so handsome. i was in heaven.  this was the biggest gift, i stood there wanting to speak to them, i swear they were so alive, they seemed so wise with stories to tell.  i watched them go then ran back into the car so giddy, saying "honey can you believe it, can you believe them, can you believe how lucky we are".

the rest of the weekend was full of photographic opportunities it seemed, peeking through the window i would see k, picking up the chickens, gathering eggs and i would yell out the window stand still i will be right there with my camera... and i was there in that moment.

and the snow fell quietly

the snow has been falling for hours now. every inch of the farm covered as if it requested a fresh start. i have taken hundreds of photographs already trying to capture the quiet  of a winter snow fall. the birds are out by the hundreds eating what i have put out. a large bird of prey came down trying to scoop one of them for lunch, i stopped him then ran for my camera. it is so white out there and in here white linens are occupying the washer, all slip covers will be washed today and it will take all day. i love that in here is a parallel of what is out there. i must confess there is a part of me that wants to dust the snow of my car and drive to  the cafe with a book,  sit by a window and sip for hours. i am thinking of vermont when i lived there and how many times i did that, thinking of k. and  how we stumbled upon a cafe in the dead of winter and we sat there four hours sipping tea, playing chess....

stella & bullet

a few weeks ago my husband and i headed out on a beautiful sunday afternoon, we were going to an art showing. on our way there my husband said" we are just looking and that our budget would not allow for us to bring anything home at the time" somehow we came home with a young cat named stella. both  k and i were confused at how we ended up taking a cat home from the exeter animal shelter that had a booth at the show. I had seen stella when she was just born at the shelter on the days i volunteer, yes she was born in a cage and six month later she was still there. i had thought about getting bullet a friend but hesitated every time i visited the rescue( so many cats heart breaking really) after all aren't we dog people we would say to each other. 

the house for the first few days was crazy, bullet who was the reason behind bringing Stella home in  the first place hated us, he refused to eat, would stare her down as she walked passed him, i soon recognized this to be love and they have beenthat way ever since. she is sweet and so different than him, she loves basking in the sun in the laundry room, although i do think it has to do with being in a cage for so long that she seems to like small spaces. in the evening when the dogs are upstairs in bed she comes out and bullet spends the evening talking to her i mean he really does not stop, he calls out to her when he can't see her, she hides behind corners and leaps to him. they play from room to room knocking down vases as they meet in mid air and then finally when they can no longer put off sleep they cozy up to each other on the ottoman.

a morning to fall

i love the pitcure above of splash even though blurry you can click photo to enlarge

i went for a small walk on the farm this morning. the colours are lovely and the fog goes and comes again. i hope you are well. the weekend flew by don't you think? i hope to open the swap package i have been holding unto for a day like today. i crave poems today, i would like them to fall all around me like autumn leaves. do you have a favourite?