Further inside of me ( post revisited)

i wanted to share a post i wrote a few years ago

i was very fortunate to have been able to visit the theater this week and too listen to stravinsky' "rite of spring" performed by heddy maalem dance troupe. not only was this beautiful to watch but powerful to listen too a few days earlier i also listened to an orchestra performance, that moved me so much that i started shaking. i have been this way since i was a little girl. in the last few years i feel something so deep inside of me that it often it feels like i have no ability to breathe and my heart

hurts. as i was listening to this performance come to an end and had reached the state i just mentioned i heard a gentle whisper in my ear asking" what where you thinking about" i could not answer the questions..but it stayed with me all night. on a drive back one afternoon i heard another beautiful piece of music that brought tears quickly to my eyes and i began to feel the heart ache...then i had remembered the question that was asked a few nights before....

the answer to myself

although i will be celebrating my eleventh year of marriage and fifteen years of togetherness, i think that in those moments that the music is playing i yearn for a moment of innocence and newness where my name is nadia and nothing else. please do not get me wrong if my husband would suddenly not be in my life i would be on the floor begging for all of it back every single morsel, but when i hear the piano, the violin, the cello.. i think of the the fairy tale that plays in my head, the quivering lips and the bright eyes, the time before the wrinkles, before the bitter heart ache, before the numbness, before anger and disappointment.

in those few moments i am crying for the person i once was, the person i rushed through. i have always been a dreamer my biggest love is russian literature-sometimes i feel it has ruined me and other times grateful for the life it leads in it's pages...i have never been one to worry about age but what saddens me is how far i have gotten away from myself. In those moments i see myself as i once was and wish i would have taken notice. in those minutes i dream for moments that did not happen and the ones that have but never completed, i dream of rain in paris and hands shaking.....i dream of horses in mongolia and people faces..i dream of new languages..i think of the times i said no when i should have said yes..in those moments i dream for everything to be different while it remains the same....

photos out side my window

oh dear, it's killing me

I have been dying to tell you some news( no i am not pregnant)  so i have stayed away because i was afraid i would let it slip. i promise you in the next few days i will tell you why i have been away!

for now i am asking  the universe to listen to my commands:)

i have posted some of these pics before, i just felt like seeing some color.

found

have you ever driven by an abandoned home over and over curious about it. well i have and too many times i do not stop. yesterday k. and i decided to grab my camera and go. when i see an abandoned home or cabin i can not help to think what happened here? that this house stopped being cared for. this one in particular was so well built, i just do not understand the space in time were people are having dinner within it's walls, sitting by the fire -too racoons and squirrels finding shelter in it. i have been in love with chipped paint forever now,  for i find it tells such stories, windows have stories too, i love looking out from them to see what the people who lived here must have seen.  K. and i often day dream of one day fixing one up (okay i daydream), one that has completely been abandoned, one that most people would demolish in a heart beat. i think how great it would be to know you had a lifetime to  bring a place back to life.

* i included a picture of buddy in the soft snow yesterday morning

when you inhale the good and exhale the bad

i have been distracted, i apologize dear friends. this morning i woke to the most beautiful fog, yet for the first time in a long while my head is not in such a place, fog that is..........

 i am sorry i paused while writing you just now, see i am at the cafe sitting by a window and my eyes came across a puddle, the rain plays with that puddle it is beautiful and simple.  the other morning i inhaled the worst kind of morning only to later exhale the best thing that is happened in a long while. ( i do not mean to be so secretive, but i am trying to be cautious) it got me thinking about you, yes you i wondered if you were scared of something or afraid to speak up or stand your ground. i wondered what you feared would happen. i am not going to write and tell you to go for it, because if you do the worst thing you suspect might just happen, yes it might.  what i will tell you is that even if it does what might surprise you is how you handle it after that, how you feel about doing it might be the best thing for you, because you just might think to yourself i am glad i am me and that i am not them and sometimes we need reminder of that very difference.

*first photograph is of all the brids that gather by my kitchen window, ( the duck coop) to feast.

room at the inn

i have just come back from running errands, roads are a mess. another storm is coming.

i am tucked in the house now, the sweet sound of violin plays from the radio. the smell of curry

perfumes the house as the soup cooks on the stove top. i am dreaming of a different kind of happiness, i have confused you with this line i am sure. i can not put a finger to it, or find the right words to tell you how much i wish for children. I am working at it, we are, oh that  might sound funny, does it? it as if i am preparing for two scenarios so different from one and another, one as mother and the other as the world traveller i used to know.

i think i shall take a few small trips in the next few months, where shall i go, do you have room at the inn for me.....

the snow in me

it has been snowing for a while now, they say big storm is coming. the flakes have been so large and soft. i love it very much, and i know i have said that a lot. i am not sure what it is, here on the farm with rolling pastures, stone walls it easy to know why, but i have always been like that. i think it reminds me of me, when i lived at home, montreal canada. i remember all the snow then. the snow high walls down our walk way, the igloos we made. tobogganing or skating on beaver lake and cross country skiing at the arboretum. i remember my winter coat and furry hat of my youth so much so it feels as if they hang in my closet still.. i think the snow makes me feel at home, safe in the memories.

i am not going to rush it, never will i. for the silent of a winter snow fall reminds me of the happy sounds of my childhood, yet it is also so much a part of what is happening now.

* i apologize for the wet lens, snow was falling pretty steady.

brighter still

come a little closer, i am going to have whisper this whole post. i think that path you see right up there in the corner is leading me to some place wonderful. shh not to loud now. i have fallen in love with january, i know those who know me will say but you have always been in love with january and that is true, this time it is different, yes, absolument. it is as if january and i have collaborated, somehow together we are twirling in the snow and the warmth light of winter afternoons. i have secretly placed wishes in the snow covered stones, i have written promises to myself on black walls. i have read things that people who have lived hundreds of years before me put on paper, and yet they feel as they are my own and i have taken them with me to bed, under down felt comforters i have read under moonlight, my life has been made brighter and i know will be brighter still, just wait...