Thursday, October 23

further inside of me




i was very fortunate to have been able to visit the theater this week and too listen to stravinsky' "rite of spring" performed by heddy maalem dance troupe. not only was this beautiful to watch but powerful to listen too a few days earlier i also listened to an orchestra performance, that moved me so much that i started shaking. i have been this way since i was a little girl. in the last few years i feel something so deep inside of me that it often it feels like i have no ability to breathe and my heart
hurts. as i was listening to this performance come to an end and had reached the state i just mentioned i heard a gentle whisper in my ear asking" what where you thinking about" i could not answer the questions..but it stayed with me all night. on a drive back one afternoon i heard another beautiful piece of music that brought tears quickly to my eyes and i began to feel the heart ache...then i had remembered the question that was asked a few nights before....

the answer to myself

although i will be celebrating my eleventh year of marriage and fifteen years of togetherness, i think that in those moments that the music is playing i yearn for a moment of innocence and newness where my name is nadia and nothing else. please do not get me wrong if my husband would suddenly not be in my life i would be on the floor begging for all of it back every single morsel, but when i hear the piano, the violin, the cello.. i think of the the fairy tale that plays in my head, the quivering lips and the bright eyes, the time before the wrinkles, before the bitter heart ache, before the numbness, before anger and disappointment.

in those few moments i am crying for the person i once was, the person i rushed through. i have always been a dreamer my biggest love is russian literature-sometimes i feel it has ruined me and other times grateful for the life it leads in it's pages...i have never been one to worry about age but what saddens me is how far i have gotten away from myself. In those moments i see myself as i once was and wish i would have taken notice. in those minutes i dream for moments that did not happen and the ones that have but never completed, i dream of rain in paris and hands shaking.....i dream of horses in mongolia and people faces..i dream of new languages..i think of the times i said no when i should have said yes..in those moments i dream for everything to be different while it remains the same....


photos out side my window

35 comments:

corine @ hidden in france said...

Oh Nadia..... sigh......

Aran said...

oh nadia, this was so powerful and i think you will be surprised to see how many others feel reflected in your words. i too, long for myself. for me and me alone. i get it when i am writing or baking or photographing. and sometimes i think that's enough.

Claire, said...

This is such a lovely and poignant post. You are a wonderful writer and thinker. Dream large I say. If you will it, it is no dream.
Warmest regards.

heidi said...

"in those few moments i am crying for the person i once was, the person i rushed through." yes, yes... me too! I feel this sometimes when I go back & read my journals.

kendalee said...

So profound and so beautifully expressed! I would like to say more because this also resonates with me in so many ways but it all just comes out sounding trite. So I'll just say thank you for saying it (and the music) and leave it at that.

Bonbon Oiseau said...

nadia---you have an incredible way of relating these very moving and universal feelings-so eloquently, so poetically and with such depth. Incredible in these moments, being moved by music or poetry and it's intention to leave you longing or reflecting deeply, finding yourself in a place so deep inside. I understand that feeling.

There are smells and certain kinds of light and sometimes just seeing my parents that leave me longing for myself as a child and those sad sad moments when we discover/remember we have "put away childish things".

i think, it seems, that there is a sweet spot between what you know and have now and what you (didn't) know and had then. When you feel that shift take place and let yourself feel all the feelings in between with no regrets, only ideas for the future you want as the amazing woman you are now, it is much less sad and much more, ummm, something new, i guess. I just started working things like this out but i am older now...i guess it is the good part of getting older?

josephine said...

oh nadia, this post was beautiful! i have to echo everyone else's sentiments and say, "me, too."

cindy : quaint said...

nadia, your beautiful writing is so personal and honest. this really struck me - 'the person i rushed through'. i can relate to that feeling and i'm still in a rush.

Heather said...

wow...this is (and you are) so, so beautiful. thank you for sharing your thoughts with us nadia.

Sabina said...

Your words have such impact -- straight from your heart. What an amazing post!

cara. said...

miss you m'dear. we finally re-got internet. cross the fingers it doesn't fail this time. hope you're well.

omami said...

you say things the human being feel, les émotions que tu partagent sont vraies et pures...beautiful inside, wonderful sagesse!!! even when life is not what we expected to be....

karina said...

I love your writing, I sometimes feel the same, one life is not enough for so many adventures my wondering heart desires but the great big adventure is enjoy every moment, and who young person knows that?

Sara said...

oh nadia dear....after eleven years of marriage for us also, i find myself having these same reflections...especially on those hard days by myself with four difficult children, no money, and the list goes on...what if my life had taken a different path, what if i had followed some of those dreams that i had as a little girl. there will always be alternate paths that we will wonder about, but honestly, i think it's okay to feel sad sometimes, as long as we stay grateful for all that we have and relish our happiness. never stop dreaming:)

Camille said...

Nadia...I am going through something currently and what you wrote, wow, so much I feel right now. I look at your photos and what you write and think how could some one I don't know, have so much of the same feelings as myself.

Linda Sue said...

I came here via Kendalee- I did not know what i was getting into- now I am just an emotional pile blubbering all over my keyboard. I try to not feel so deeply because of what you say- the heart hurt- this totally caught me off guard.
I would say "beautiful" but all i can get out is B-B_B-B-bbbb, face goes into emo spasm and there I am- useless.

Chris said...

I can totally relate, although I must stay hopeful, and think that this journey isn't even half over yet. Think of everything that still lies ahead, that can be, that will be, that will turn out like no one expected.

But yes, I feel like this often. I wake up and look around and ask out loud, "What happened? How did I end up here?"

SHILL said...

nadia, very well written, this post is honest to goodness!

Claire said...

i am amazed at how similar this post is to the one i wrote today. i understand. i really do. thank you for saying it so beautifully.

Esti said...

you've put english words to my feelings too... I still see the person I was... :)

Charlotte Tollstén said...

I also feel like this sometimes, I know what you mean......

a square peg said...

In those moments i see myself as i once was and wish i would have taken notice. in those minutes i dream for moments that did not happen and the ones that have but never completed, i dream of rain in paris and hands shaking.....i dream of horses in mongolia and people faces..i dream of new languages..i think of the times i said no when i should have said yes..in those moments i dream for everything to be different while it remains the same....

yes! everything to be different while it remains the same! i wish i would have taken notice too, and appreciated who i was back when i was her. the best i can do is learn to appreciate who i am now, because time marches on and the woman i am now is different than the woman i will be thirty years from now, just as the woman i am now is different than the girl of 8 or 9 i was 30 years ago. life is so full of so much pain and joy and innocence and loss of innocence and all we can do is grab on and hold tight. with the others i thank you for expressing what so many of us feel so beautifully.

sofia barão said...

sigh ... time passes by and we are unable to catch it !
Lovely. Big hug Nadia.

Geeta said...

This is so touching- we can all relate to these feelings, and you state them so well.

Despite the missed opportunities you describe, you have a beautiful mind...and that is worth a whole lot:)

Tartelette said...

Absolutely greatest post ever. Your poetry is beyond words. Your honesty is also beyond words. You have said outloud what we have all felt at some point or another, our mates included.
"the person i rushed through"...beautiful. I am witnessing a friend's battling illness right now and she expressed the same thing the other day. Stravinsky is indeed very powerful to awaken all sorts of sentiments in us. Violins and pianos are such perfect instruments to translate the human soul.

cindy* said...

nadia, simply beautiful sentiments. sometimes i feel like i am rushing to be the adult that i want to be and sometimes that keeps me awake at night...because i think that one day, suddenly, i will be all grown up and wonder where all the time has gone and wonder why i was always in such a rush.

mary said...

Nadia, this is so beautiful, moving, and honest. I think these words should be read by every young woman...especially the part about rushing though the person you once were.

Katherine said...

Oh how sad and how beautiful! I'm very sensitive to those things too and sometimes I can't help but think that those moments of longing for the past are also longings for the future and heaven, for wholeness and peace and untarnished beauty.

charmaine said...

thank you for your very nice comment. your blog is very beautiful! i love your beautiful images post after post, very inspiring.
God Bless,
charmaine

Irene said...

Someone once described Russian literature to me as full of "depressing existentialism." Being Russian, I took offense, of course, but maybe that person was party right. There is so much that is an exploration of the saddest part of being human, but also the happiest. Life is made up of moments and they come and they go and you can't stop them, but can only take them in and make them your own.

Hila said...

oh, I completely agree with you! For me, ballet gets me all shaky and emotional. I sort of feel the opposite to you at the moment; like I'm waiting for something to happen. It's a like a deep, incessant yearning for something I can't even name.

Maybe this is why I identify with your photos so much - I've been accused of being oversensitive :) The first time I went to see the ballet with my mum, I was about 14 and I had tears running down my face by the end of it. My mum thought I was insane :)

Thanks for sharing such a personal post.

Fifi Flowers said...

What a beautiful view out your window... lovely photos!

raining sheep said...

Such wonderful words...I often try to remember who I used to be...sometimes, just sometimes, I miss that person.

Chessa said...

I loved reading this.

Joetta M. said...

so honest and beautiful.

ya know my husband and I (also 15 years together) after a VERY hard time in our marriage decided to stop using the words husband and wife- we were recently at a party where we were meeting new people and he kept introducing me as "this is joetta" and it was beautiful and amazing to not be cornered into a title or a role it was simply that "this is Joetta"

I know it might sound strange but it has been an incredibly liberating and wonderful thing to let ourselves just be who we are without a "role" or "title" attached.

And though it is hard to be the people that wish for and see so much I am so grateful to be that lucky one with my eyes open thirsting for that life.