Thursday, September 1

Further inside of me ( post revisited)


i wanted to share a post i wrote a few years ago

i was very fortunate to have been able to visit the theater this week and too listen to stravinsky' "rite of spring" performed by heddy maalem dance troupe. not only was this beautiful to watch but powerful to listen too a few days earlier i also listened to an orchestra performance, that moved me so much that i started shaking. i have been this way since i was a little girl. in the last few years i feel something so deep inside of me that it often it feels like i have no ability to breathe and my heart
hurts. as i was listening to this performance come to an end and had reached the state i just mentioned i heard a gentle whisper in my ear asking" what where you thinking about" i could not answer the questions..but it stayed with me all night. on a drive back one afternoon i heard another beautiful piece of music that brought tears quickly to my eyes and i began to feel the heart ache...then i had remembered the question that was asked a few nights before....

the answer to myself

although i will be celebrating my eleventh year of marriage and fifteen years of togetherness, i think that in those moments that the music is playing i yearn for a moment of innocence and newness where my name is nadia and nothing else. please do not get me wrong if my husband would suddenly not be in my life i would be on the floor begging for all of it back every single morsel, but when i hear the piano, the violin, the cello.. i think of the the fairy tale that plays in my head, the quivering lips and the bright eyes, the time before the wrinkles, before the bitter heart ache, before the numbness, before anger and disappointment.

in those few moments i am crying for the person i once was, the person i rushed through. i have always been a dreamer my biggest love is russian literature-sometimes i feel it has ruined me and other times grateful for the life it leads in it's pages...i have never been one to worry about age but what saddens me is how far i have gotten away from myself. In those moments i see myself as i once was and wish i would have taken notice. in those minutes i dream for moments that did not happen and the ones that have but never completed, i dream of rain in paris and hands shaking.....i dream of horses in mongolia and people faces..i dream of new languages..i think of the times i said no when i should have said yes..in those moments i dream for everything to be different while it remains the same....


photos out side my window

8 comments:

Barbara said...

I am so glad that you revisited this! I don't think I could have worded this so nicely as you have, but I feel like I can relate to the feelings you are describing here so well.
It was really nice to read this, Nadia.
Thank you!

Jane Flanagan said...

Dreaming for everything to be different while it remains the same. Isn't that a beautiful tension? We have such tenacity for our lives, even when we're dreaming about alternatives and missed opportunities. I love that you can say all this without regret. Beautiful sentiments, beautifully expressed.

jennifer said...

"the person i rushed through..." such sad and beautiful truth to this.

the wild magnolia said...

I am shaking and tears fill my eyes, somehow I believe, there are many women my age feeling the same emotions.

The words you have written here express in a way I have been unable too, how I feel at this time in my life.

"...the person I rushed through...", chilling and hauntingly true.

All our life I believe we get further and further from "moments of innocence".

I agree, life is good, but there is a melancholy for me too. I am a dreamer and I think I look through a different window.

Thank you for sharing, thank you for honesty.

the Lady said...

this post hit a chord with me. thank you for sharing your thoughts so honestly...

Lucia said...

Finding ourselves is not an easy path at all. We should respect our souls, even when life makes it difficult and tough.

VSC said...

Touching. And your words also make me wonder: who are we? Are we the ones of the times of innocence, or our present selves, after our experiences, after melting with other persons?

Erika said...

What a beautiful post... it resonates for me too, in so many ways, and perhaps explains why I have often been moved to tears by a piece of music or song. Thank you for sharing such an intimate thought.