Friday, December 17

the spirit

I wanted to ask you a question, how are you?- i mean really. How are you feeling this holiday season. I am so behind, well saying i am behind means i have in someway started and that is not true. the last few weeks just dragged and flew by- i had a goal and worked hard to push myself when i finished i felt such accomplishment satisfaction but it only lasted a few hours then, the dreaded loss of life and of spirit. everything has calmed down now and things are getting back to normal and on a farm normal is a peaceful as it gets. I look around at my home, it is different than our home last year and i miss the giant fire place that my family gathered around.

 I do not have a tree yet, k and i have for three years straight gotten our tree on christmas eve( with exception of last year) that's right. k's family have christmas eve dinner at a restaurant a tradition i used to hate in the beginning, i could not understand why people would not want to be at there home next to there tree but i have come to love getting dressed up and going to dinner. you see there is no gifts to unwrap that night, it simply family and friends at one table talking eating good food and being in the moment. dinner would end at around ten and we would get our tree from a roadside vendor who had a trust box. there we would be all dressed up tying a tree to the car people would honk at us i think in delight of what they where seeing and i remember the first year writing a note to the vendor and putting it in his trust box, telling how he had made our christmas by having trees on christmas eve, he called us chritmas morning to thank us- it soon became our favourite thing to do just k and i. we have had a few losses of life at christmas time, that has made every christmas a little harder. The biggest loss is not having children but we are working to change that.

dear friends, my house is non and void of anything christmas, i have made not one thing and bought nothing some for financial reasons but mostly i am just stuck and i swear if the heavens would open up and let the snow fall i would wake up from this still heart. dear friends would you share something with me maybe a story, quote or what how you feel i would love to listen to it.
* i know i posted these pictures before but they bring me peace and hope.


Jane Flanagan said...

I love this post. It is such a hard time of year and I struggle to find my place in it. It's hard to know what the single, emigrant version of the perfect Christmas is. I don't feel like I'm sad and lonely, but at the same time, I know my Christmas isn't that picture-perfect one.

It would be great if we could all let go of those ideals and just enjoy the season, the food and the company. But it's hard and even this morning I found myself weepy at my desk, hurt because my parents wrote to say they haven't had time to get to the post office with my present, which means I have nothing to open on Christmas morning. And I know it's silly, but I really just am gutted about that.

This is all a very long way of saying I know it's hard, but it's also kind of wonderful if you can let go. I hope you find your version of a Merry Christmas! And I hope 2011 makes you so happy in every way.

Michelle said...

First off...I was so touched that you asked, "how are you?".

Thank you for asking...:)

"This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone." ~Taylor Caldwell

Unabashed apparel said...

Ah - I'm normally into the busy doing of the season but this year I'm not. This year I'm quiet and contemplative and finding solace in the idea of tromping across snowy fields. I don't want to give presents, or make things, not because I don't love and value my friends and family, but because I'm just not in the state of mind of giving to give. Being truly broke I'm sure plays a roll.

I think my gift to myself this season is simplicity and laughter. I am going to find a way to have more of both.

Hanna said...

Your post touched me, for various reasons... Thank you for sharing your honest feelings.

I was trying to pick up some holiday cards this morning. One card caught my eyes. The card leaves its soft white cover almost blank, and only has a simple but beatiful outline of winter trees and deers on its bottom. Inside, it says "enjoy the beauty of the season". I decided to buy it for myself, as a reminder of what really matters. I know I sometimes dwell on the feelings that I missed out something, and forget about people, things or moments that are with me and make me happy.

Happy holidays, and happy winter to you!

S. Etole said...

"Emmanuel, God with us," is the essence of the Christmas message for me ... that regardless of circumstances I know that I am never alone.

You share such beauty with us ... may your heart be blessed with peace.

Ashley said...

Thank you for posting this. When everyone and everything is almost forcing Christmas and tinsel down our throats, it's nice to know that it's okay to not feel Christmas-y due to life events. It's nice to know that we're not alone in that feeling.

Julie B said...

I appreciate your post today.

My husband and I met and married a bit late to consider having children and it is my one big regret that we do not have that kind of merriment in our home, especially at this time of year. This year I have chosen to focus on enjoying the twinkle lights of others and the "reason for the season" rather than trying to please with just the right gift (almost an impossibility) and clamoring after the retail commercialization of this beautiful and meaningful time of year.

Wishing you inner peace and quiet knowing as you process recent events and keep moving forward.

Kerry O'Gorman said...

I am feeling as I usually do at this time of year...a little giddy, a little sad, a lot excited(to see my daughter from Toronto!) and a bit under pressure. I am working part time now and it eats into creative time for needle felting and baking. BUT i try to catch up on old and new holiday films , gather up some scented greens, turn on the fairy lights and enjoy the music...hope it snows for you...I wish it would here as well. Happy Christmas Nadia.

Bonbon Oiseau said...

nadia you sweet thing...i wish i was there to make these with you:

i saw you tweeted them and i am tweeting them back at you.

dear nadia, it is nice that you are relaxing into christmas. this season holds so much pressure ot be perfect and so i think it is noce to be slow if you can. ease in. as for me, i am too busy to think, to make merriness, to make pretty around the house and nyc is too packed wall to wall with shoppers and tourists to feel spirit in that way.
a retreat to what you are doing sounds amazing-stillness, winterness, caring for your animals, that is more important. maybe slowly you will feel like glittering up the house but in the meantime a glass of egg nog and a housewives marathon sounds pretty damn good. (with cheetos of course :) HEY YOU CAN DECORATE THE TREE WITH A CHEETO GARLAND!
p.s. we get our tree xmas eve too! and decorate it with anything we feel like. we;ve grown quite a collectiuon of weird objects for the occasion. very pagan. love...

Juliana said...

I am usually very busy at work right up to Christmas Eve, so I take pleasure in the little things of the season: watching fluffy snowflakes fall from the sky, walking through snow covered fields in the sun, baking a batch of cookies and sitting in front of the fire. We don't get our tree until the 23rd and decorate it on the 24th.

I wish you a peaceful holiday season, and I'd send you some snow if I could.

Ann Marie said...

Lovely post indeed. I love picturing you and K dressed up getting your tree.
This holiday season, Ceej and I are way too busy for my liking...busy packing boxes and talking with the moving people. In between I am knitting all my gifts. I'm incredibly sad that we did not decorate our place at all due to the move. I will be packing one strand of christmas lights in my bag so that when we move into our place a day before christmas we'll at least have some twinkle lights ;)

Linda said...

Sweetie, I am so sorry you're feeling so low at this time. For ten years we didn't have children and it made for pretty quiet, uneventful Christmas mornings. During those Christmas seasons it gave me the time to totally focus on My Mann and a time to do special things for him. It also allowed me to be the kid in a way. If I wanted to take a drive to see Christmas lights he would take me. If I wanted to make sugar cookies or candy trains, I would, with reckless abandon and flour, powdered sugar, and sprinkles everywhere.

Things have been rough this year for different reasons and the Christmas spirit has been more Grinchy. A week away and I've decided I'll do something "Christmasy" like bake, turn on the Christmas music, put the wreath on the door, do some Christmas shopping to be out in the crowds and decorations, all so My Mann doesn't have to miss out on the Christmas spirit because of my inability to feel it. Who knows I may catch glimpses of the joy along the way and that will be nice.

Saw this quote today: “You can’t have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.” – Charles Kettering

Linda. xx

Marina said...

This is a little cheesy, but I always read Gift of the Magi. Here's a link to the pdf -

Somehow starting with the humble story warms me up for the season. (I haven't read it yet this year.)

V said...

Yours, and all these commented little stories, really moved me. I would say something that may be the only thing to do in the hard times, but that we all should equally do in the good ones: to innerly and calmly give thanks and celebrate that we are Alive, and that we Love.

Shivani Ele said...

Thank you for your sweet post... It made me happy and sad and touched me deeply, I think that fundamentally I resonate with most of what you wrote.
I feel I am in a very similar situation - a bit 'off', not really feeling in the mood to follow the hectic flow that is felt as 'imperative' these days, wanting to spend time with friends but practically not being able to do so. There is a general feeling of 'something is missing' around me and I guess it is because most of us run after 'things' they don't really need.
Well, that makes me think I am doing the same. Somehow the rush around me makes me want to stop and really put the finger on what is THE thing in my life right now and just breathe out and embrace it - including the risk that it might not be pleasant at all.
So.. Welcome to you and all the non-christmas-y friends!!
I really appreciated your words and your taking the time to really ask "How are you?" and opening the space to listen.
Thank you :)

Dobbie said...

the birds remind me of your Mom:)

It has always seemed like Christmas is hand delivered to you by the wonderful Dylan and Elle. Then the scavenger hunt for special things begins, the decorations go up, the tree goes up and stands tall, and delicious and comforting things are set out on pretty plates for little hands to take.

onesilentwinter said...

YOU guys are wonderful, wonderful for opening up nd sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. You have open my spirits up and reminded me that little steps can be incredibly beautiful.

thank you for that!

PK Studios said...

Traditions are comforting but I've gotten used to doing something different every year now (since I got married 13 years ago....juggling everyone's different schedules) I just try to go with the flow and enjoy being in the moment. Even if you are only with one person you love and a good meal, you can feel blessed.

By the way, I LOOOOVE your simple little swag of pinecones on a red string.... festive, simple, sweet. : )