Wednesday, April 21

when you live a dream




can i take a moment to explain myself or to myself

a few years ago life seemed pretty good, a very successful job doing what i love the coolest place to live in the city with a yard to make anyone jealous, a raw diet figure, hair and skin, k and my two kind, gentle and faithful companion jacob and porter. without notice porter got sick and died no time for one last camping trip or swim in the lake, i was devastated and i noticed a shift in me. not wanting to leave jacob alone i started to except less and less contracts, except less invitation and eventually never leave home for long- if at all. we did manage to take him to berkshire camping but on new years day i lost him too- life had become and bearably cruel our two companions died within three months-k and i could not understand how our family of four(yes they are dogs i do understand but there was more loss as well at the time) was now of two very broken people. i froze, i broke down i surrendered and walked away from all of it except for k but all the rest- the career, the healthy life style the great place to live, hopes and dreams.

it took years, yes years kevin was patient, no, he was darn right heroic for putting up with my silences, my daily melancholy. we brought sophie into our life and some of the pain began to desapate, then grace and a new home slowly but surely i must be getting better? but i was told they were just distractions from the hurt, the fear of loosing even more. i did begin to learn, then one day after many days, months one step and then another i found myself living a dream, my dream? somehow i got better. somehow in death a road was chiseled through the wall i had put up, somehow my darkest experience led me to my dream life.

the last few days i have been asking myself are you living it nadia, are you in the moment? is this it? if this was happening to someone else i would be the first one to point out YOU ARE LIVING A DREAM. i am aren't i, i guess i thought everything would have to be perfect for a dream to come true but no, a dream can happen even when things are not so perfect.

*the pictures above made me happy, have not taken good ones in a while but i like these- and those are my first three duck eggs-the picture of one of the apple trees in bloom( did i tell you that the farm was once an orchard) see a dream!

15 comments:

Razmataz said...

Your photos are beautiful. I am glad you have found your dream after so much heartache. I lost my dog Mooch a few months ago and I miss him so. They really do become part of your family.

erin said...

these are stunning photos, nadia. the most important part is recognizing the dream in the littlest things, like three fresh eggs, and pink spring blossoms. xo.

Star said...

Still waiting for my dream; I wish I knew what it looked like... I'm so glad you're recognizing yours and finding your way again. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Gigi said...

A dream amidst imperfection--that's just it. What a joy to read this post and see these photos tonight. I am so very happy for you.

ronel1217 said...

im still waiting to my dream but anyways nice shots..:)

regards: ronel

Shokoofeh said...

:)
Thank you for this post, Nadia.

in another lifetime said...

you should be proud of these photos, they are so clear, so honest, as is the entire post.

isn't it so interesting how when you are in the struggle, in the darkest hours, time feels suspended, you feel like every step is on a treadmill. then one day you realize you have to turn your head back to describe what happened...because you had moved forward, away, onward from it. and from this vantage point the shapes and colors of all "that" are quite clear.

here's to breaking through walls and cutting the wrist string:)

Ann Marie said...

this is so beautiful and honest. i love it. it has given me hope this morning. just what i needed.

Erin Wallace said...

Thanks for this Nadia. I'm going through this now, and it helps me to know that I am not alone.

Jennifer said...

Thank you for sharing <3 It's lovely to read something with such honesty and heart.

I have hope in finding my dream life soon.

bigBANG studio said...

Beautiful, raw post, Nadia.
I still tear up whenever I see a little bay horse; I lost my Laddy over two years ago and I *still* haven't gotten over it, but time does help heal that kind of loss. So glad to hear you're finding satisfaction in taking pictures and contemplating life on the happy new farm. xo.

Kerry O'Gorman said...

People can see what they want from the outside but what you're feeling is all relative to yourself. I would lose sight of my 'perfect' world too if I lost my dog Griffin. Of course death is inevetible but are we ever really prepared to deal with the gap it leaves? I think not and it can only take time to step ahead slowly. Even after the so called healing time, you can never replace a true companion. Your photos are LOVELY...

Cannelle Et Vanille said...

i think we all ask that same question. are we living in the moment? sometimes i look at my life and not sure how i even got here and i cannot believe these are my children and this is where i live. almost like an outer body experience. but then we must go on. it's all part of the inexplicable.

hawthorne girl said...

what a beautiful post. thank you for sharing a part of your life with us. i love my animals so much that i can't bear to think about losing them, especially so unexpectedly. i'm so happy that you are feeling better.

elaine said...

hi Nadia. I left a comment on a more current post a couple of weeks ago and it was about that time that I decided that I wanted to start at the beginning of your blog [yes, the beginning] and learn enough about your journey to see what led you to the farm and the love of country living. I have wanted to leave comments along the way but have refrained...I couldn't' pass this post up though. We were able to move to a beautiful country setting 4 years ago and it sunk in at that time that it was the dream I hadn't been willing to let myself dream for fear of feeling discontent. I will forever be in love with the country ...forever.
I have truly enjoyed visiting your blog. Each day I enjoy a few [or more] pages. I must say that I love your 'Nadia in the country' posts the most...beautiful words, beautiful photography, beautiful heart!
blessings my new friend
Elaine