a miracle.

Dear Friends, yesterday in court we were given the most beautiful gift, Poet's mother relinquished her rights making us Poet's only parents. I believe that all your well wishes along with my families help make this miracle happen.  I am, i believe still in shock, it was a very powerful and kind moment that i was able to share with her birth mother one that has not quiet sunk in yet.  I know that  this is real and beautiful and everything i had hoped for and now i wait to legally adopt my little girl to completely feel

the reality of this incredible news.  I love her so very much and i am heading home to montreal to be with my family and perhaps to be able to truly cry in the protection of their loving arms.

Thank you dear, dear friends i can never express that enough and in a short few months (to long still) i will be able to introduce you fully to this incredible being named Poet.

in her glance

 It is late, everyone's asleep from little Poet to the dogs, horses and roosters. music quietly pouring out of speakers. Again words are trapped in me somehow the flesh is thick and the skin is paper thin.

This week, my mind and heart travelled to one of those places that seem endlessly dark one that has you believe the worst is possible, my feet fumbled, my mind crashed into windowless walls  and breathing was barely possible,  my physical body mimicking all that my soul was feeling. A frantic call for a soothing voice was met with silence or worse " what do you want me to say"….

Violins are playing now, no i mean literally and there is such deep stirring created by them and in the same time light filters in , i am awake, alive i can not lie and it's becoming clearer to me how much i have been holding my breath since April of last year when Poet entered my life with the very second came the most profound happiness and the most fear. Everything else i realize is barely there, attempting not to feel to much, not to say to much, not to be yet at the same time wanting to teach her all that i am.

Do you ever miss yourself, perhaps it is not proper to say it out loud but i do i miss the carefree believer in me, now believing is a risk and even though i write this i know i have completely surrendered every hope, dream, blood cell to this. I am so In love with this little being, that it is taking all i have to not show her how terrified i am of breaking in a millions unrecognizable pieces and even a tenth of second thought that she will not be mine or moreso that i will not be hers.

Do you know how incredible she is, to hear her say "hi"is joy itself, to feel her little hands on your face and watch her pop her head around the corner and smile, to have her reach for you and nestle her head on your chest till she falls asleep……….in her glance, in her hand, in her laughter i recognize what pure love really is.

we go to court on wednesday no miracle will happen in court that morning but just maybe the beginning of  the end to not being a hundred percent sure.

beautiful music here.

Winter

I dive right into winter,  conscious of the cold as is renews me  from the inside out.  This winter held some of the coldest days and not much snow but we have snow now and it is white and deep and underneath the winter glistening moon shines like a million stars in the sky.

Chores need to be done and a tiny being keeps me company as i do them and at times she stares through the large window pane blowing her mama kisses and having conversation with the cat. Yesterday she curled herself in a sunny spot of the wooden floor and fell asleep.

The horses are grateful for soft snow under foot and i keep getting my breath taken away at how beautiful they are against it and the landscape that is the hill.  here i share some images i have taken of our winter on the hill. I have many things to keep us warm, the fire in the wood stove, the tea in our cups and soups in our belly but it is the beautiful comments you left on my last  post that warmed me through my bones- i emptied out all the sorrow and filled it with hope. Thank you.

the first image of Tolstoy running through the snow, makes me love the freedom of the life we lead.

letting go…...

Oh dear friends, i have neglected this blog when it has brought me such simple happiness and friendships. There is a part of me that is crying out to give up on other ways of sharing and come back to this one. I was disciplined, i would come here to share, write and show you all while piecing together the book that one day would be my life.

I have been treading on logs for so long now. Poet is still not ours and we are heading into trial and all that pressure has made me distracted from everything and everyone, except Poet. I am tired of treading and desperately wanting to touch firm soil with her in my arms. It will come soon but all this is causing me to fail so many other aspects of my life.  It is lonely place at times, when all you want to do is share what brings you the most happiness but how you do it when your favorite medium is photographs and stories and those are restricted for now.

This has also caused me to not communicate with my true friends, a side of effect of being abandoned by "friends" i was truly kind to, the minute i started standing on my two feet ( although for the record i was always on my own two feet, worked hard my whole life to get here) and the minute Poet came into my life- the friends  who "wished i would have a baby"  never even once mentioned her in fact they seem to   'like" on instagram everything but when i share what i can of her. Well being abandoned and not knowing why has also caused me to be too cautious with other friends who i know are truer than the ones i speak about and for that i am truly sorry. There is good wonderful people in my life and i need to trust that they will not abandon me.

I have wanted to write this for so long and  lacked the guts and even now as i write and tears fall i am not sure if i will be able to publish but i hope i can cause i need to let this go.

I need to let go and believe that everything will be okay, That Poet came into my life because of the good me.

With kindness and a promise to start sharing what i can here and even though this is not a phone call or a face to face chat or email it is a place you can find me open and honest, always.

nadia

"Finding the Light" in the Beautiful Country side of Scotland.

Last year,  i began to admire the beautiful work of Marte Marie Forsberg, her love of light was as strong as mine so last early last fall, we decided to plan a workshop together "Finding the Light"in a place that made both our hearts sing.

Join Marte Marie Forsberg and I for a small and intimate workshop in the Beautiful  country side of Scotland as you learn to tell a story through breathtaking landscape, throughfully prepared dishes and stunning light.

Your home for four nights will be a beautiful Castle in Scotland built  in 1590 in the beautiful village of Glenluce. We will explore the region together, learn  to tell a visual story through light using food and lifestyle as subjects.  We will take walks by the sea, visit a quaint village, share evening meals by candlelight, enjoy meaningful conversations, watch sunsets and maybe evening star gaze.

JUNE 21-25, 2014 

Single Occupancy $2375. Double Occupancy $2175.

This is an intimate workshop for five.

Workshop Includes: 

Four nights in a beautiful historic castle in Scotland

Three days of full instruction

Visit to local makers and markets

four breakfast

three lunches

four dinners

refreshments throughout.

a final evening dinner filled with music.

transportation during workshop ( excluding flight and transport ion to the workshop)

50% Percent due open registration -double occupancy $1087.5 Single occupancy $1187.50 final payment due April 15th. 2014

There is no refunds for this workshop, please know that you can make before you purchase. 

We recommend travelers insurance.

registration is now open here