Thursday, February 6

letting go…...


Oh dear friends, i have neglected this blog when it has brought me such simple happiness and friendships. There is a part of me that is crying out to give up on other ways of sharing and come back to this one. I was disciplined, i would come here to share, write and show you all while piecing together the book that one day would be my life.

I have been treading on logs for so long now. Poet is still not ours and we are heading into trial and all that pressure has made me distracted from everything and everyone, except Poet. I am tired of treading and desperately wanting to touch firm soil with her in my arms. It will come soon but all this is causing me to fail so many other aspects of my life.  It is lonely place at times, when all you want to do is share what brings you the most happiness but how you do it when your favorite medium is photographs and stories and those are restricted for now.

This has also caused me to not communicate with my true friends, a side of effect of being abandoned by "friends" i was truly kind to, the minute i started standing on my two feet ( although for the record i was always on my own two feet, worked hard my whole life to get here) and the minute Poet came into my life- the friends  who "wished i would have a baby"  never even once mentioned her in fact they seem to   'like" on instagram everything but when i share what i can of her. Well being abandoned and not knowing why has also caused me to be too cautious with other friends who i know are truer than the ones i speak about and for that i am truly sorry. There is good wonderful people in my life and i need to trust that they will not abandon me.

I have wanted to write this for so long and  lacked the guts and even now as i write and tears fall i am not sure if i will be able to publish but i hope i can cause i need to let this go.

I need to let go and believe that everything will be okay, That Poet came into my life because of the good me.

With kindness and a promise to start sharing what i can here and even though this is not a phone call or a face to face chat or email it is a place you can find me open and honest, always.

nadia

47 comments:

Jane Flanagan said...

Love you.

onesilentwinter said...

holy smokes Jane, never realized how much i need to hear those words thank you so much. Bawling.

Sarah said...

Nadia,
I feel a little twinge in my heart after reading this. You are very brave to share your deepest feelings with us. I adore you and if I lived in Vermont, I would sit with you on the hill and listen to every fear and thought that you have always wanted to share.
It may be cliché but I really do believe that things happen in our lives for a certain reason. Sometimes it takes years to figure out the reason or even understand, but what we learn in the meantime, the road that gets us to the end, is really the important part. It's what defines us. It's what will make the day that Poet finally becomes yours, the most magnificent and beautiful day ever. ♥

Please keep talking to us. You're incredibly talented, I know you will find the right way to tell us your story.

Sarah xo

Kimberly said...

Although we will never meet, I have read much of your blog. One story about your friend lost to you at a young age resonated with me as I too lost a very close friend at a young age to leukemia. We are all connected through this human experience. You exposed your heart and I felt your sorrow, but I do know your joy as well. My baby girl will be seventeen tomorrow. One day, you will turn around and Poet will be seventeen and you will remember those days of uncertainty and feel blessed. I wish for you all good things, the greatest of all a child to love.

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Sarah,

You write in away that i feel as you are here on the hill with me, thank you for that. Yes i am a true believer in what you say. I guess i have held on tight thinking i could make it till then without breaking down but i couldn't.

Thank you Sarah-truly.

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Kimberly,

Yes, Julie. my first dear friend at a very young age, I am sorry about your friend. I am grateful that you are here and that yes i hope too one day turn around and this fear be so far in the back of my mind.

The love i have for Poet is liking nothing i have ever felt and to know that she loves me makes me the luckiest.

Thank you Kimberly, we have met now.

Kimberly said...

It is a privilege and a pleasure.

Sanda said...

It is good to let go, but you need to believe that true friendships can exist, and you have to give a chance to people, even it can be hard since you feel hurt. I am here and will always be, even I am far away, but will always have a special place in my hart for you!!!
Just yesterday I was trying to explain a word people in my country use 'nafaka' to my husband ... it is a good thing that is predestined to happened to someone and when I feel down I know that a good I did will come back to me and it always happened , and I do believe it always do for everybody!!

annton beate Schmidt said...

every time I will visit your blog, I'll leave, being touched by your words. thank you for sharing all those thougts and even the unsettled emotions. it is a rare gift you are leaving to us, the ones reading it. if I could, I would come up the hill, with our dog Emma, waving "hello", bringing a little something for Poet. And cheese and wine for you. Poet, she looks such a precious girl and even more, she looks so perfectly beautiful, up there on the hill.

Dawn said...

Dear Nadia,
Such an honest post. I can relate in many ways. Do you know that people I have never met, only through the internet, have often given me more support and care after my miscarriages and horrible hardships in my marriage than people who are in my daily life?
But you know, those people who have disappointed you have their own pain and stories going on. We are all human with mistakes. I have been very disappointed and hurt, but when going through my own stuff I have also been guilty of neglecting my friendships, and had to ask for forgiveness, and this taught me compassion.
I love the person you are, the person I am getting to know through this blog and instagram. I wish you and K all the joy and love you deserve!!
Love, Dawn

Dena Testa Bray said...

I appreciate your honesty and your reaching out. As a parent of an adopted daughter, I know the fear and the uncertainty you must be feeling now. The legal process is fraught with peril but I hope once it is behind you that you can heal from the ordeal and simply enjoy your life with Poet and family. Sending love and support.

chesapeake said...

You can never truly know why people come and go as they do. I've let good friendships slide in the past for reasons and for no reason at all.

All I know is that once I was feeling very lonely in a new state, and I found your blog and emailed you for an invitation for your book club. I never read the book, I simply wanted the mail. And the mail did arrive, a gorgeous, handwritten note. I'll never forget it!

And with that you've reminded me to send my monthly letter to my 102 year old great-grandmother. :-) Best to you and beautiful Poet.

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Sanda,

Thank you Sanda and i believe that too. I know you are far but today you feel very close.

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Annton,

How i wish i looked out unto the hill and saw you and Emma walking up the path. Thank you so much for your words. You are always welcomed here.

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Dena,

Thank you, it is so good to hear someone who has adopted from share ether words of wisdom. We are very lucky, i am lucky in so many ways.

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Chesapeake,

Oh gosh you just made me tear up. I should start the book club again- that is a wonderful connection.

truly made my day.

joanne said...

Dear Nadia,
Waiting and hoping with you.
xx

Marcouiller Trimble said...

everything is going to be alright. i think of you often even though we have never met. all my best thoughts all the time from belgium. :) you and poet were meant to be.

Sweet Life Farm said...

Dear Nadia,

Last night was such a mystical show of fog and clouds I might have known there was a post from you. I am sorry I did not see this sooner, dear friend. The image of you treading on logs (on the edge of a huge body of water, I picture) is telling. I admire your courage and your depth of heart. You are such a gift to Poet, to the world, to me.

Last week I relearned the lesson to face what is, no matter how difficult, opens the way for support, for healing, for newness to come into our present. I am wishing this for you today, Nadia. The constant attempt to stay afloat while in limbo is exhausting, especially given so much is at stake.

If I lived a state or two closer, I would be there today to care for you, if you wished. I would make pots of tea and help with the animals, sit by you as you cry and cry with you, to walk silently together in the woods. If this is what you need, I will head your way.

I have written this hastily as I am due to meet a friend, but could not go without first reaching out. I love you.

elizabeyta said...

(((hugs)))

Come and share if you can, when you can. I love your pictures and words and always come back. Looking back at your pictures sooth me and that is something that is needed in my life lately.

I will pray for you and Poet to become forever family.

(((hugs)))

Sif Orellana said...

Dearest beautiful Nadia.

We do not know each other so well, but oh boy! You are truly one of the finest, most honest and pure-hearted human beings I have ever met. You are so often in my thoughts, and you and Poet are in my prayers. You and your little Poet have truly deserved each other. It must be fate that has brought you two together. I don't doubt that for a moment. The warmest, most caring thoughts. I admire you for your courage, your honesty and all that beautiful light that lives within you.

XOXO ♡
Sif

KAM said...

Nadia..Every post, every shared written thought comes to me, is held close to my heart and often my tears flow with yours..Thank you for allowing us to walk this challenging journey with you, to give your our support and love. I hold you in the light and know, really know that there is a beautiful walk ahead for you...and for my part, I hold only the beautiful, the lovely, the mother child picture.
Your words and pictures are always welcome and this 70 year old grandmother loves every piece of you and your story. Thank you for calling us all to the circle with you today. We are strong and steadfast in our support for you. With love, gratitude and trust in the very best to fill your days. Kristin

Sally Roeckell said...

Dear Nadia,
Although we hardly know each other I feel like you knew me well from our brief time together. You are such a beautiful soul that I hope we can count each other as friends for years to come. You will always know your friends. The real ones anyway. They will always be there no matter what comes or goes. Statistics say we live in cycles and our group of friends change about every 7 years with only a small few who remain on as true. This seems about right. The loss of a relationship you care about can leave a huge void. (been there)
I keep picturing you teaching Poet to cook and how to braid her hair. I'm praying for you to know every joy and pain life as a Mom can bring. It seems odd to wish you joy AND pain but Motherhood is a package deal. The pain elevates the joy. Maybe in the same way friendships that end in loss can make those that remain all the more precious.
Spring will be here soon and it always brings the promise of new.
Sally

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Stacy ( Sweet),

I know you would and you have been the dearest friend to me and have embraced Poet. I have written this to you in my heart i know i have not been the best of friend. I will change that- i tell K. every weekend how i wish i could take Poet to oregon for a few days in your company.

a few minutes before your comment showed up i was in the barn and the barn swallows came, i immediately whispered to myself i need to tell Stacy they are back and spring is near.

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Elizabeyta,

Thank yo so much and i promise to fill the pages of my blog with more form the farm, winter pics to come. I wish for Poet and i to become a forever family too.

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Marcouiller Trimble,

Thank you so much, belgium is one of my favorite places on earth and have incredible memories from when i was there.

Poet is so very special.

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Kristin,

How beautiful, my heart just overflowed. Thank you so very much i feel very lucky that you are here. Gosh you have touched me and taught me so much in your comment, i can't explain it but there is such grace in you that i am inspired.

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Sif,

What can i see, you were one of the first to hear my story and brought me sun when i needed it most. You saved me in Sweden, you will never know how much your tears, smile and warmth made me brave.

That i get to see you again soon, i am blessed even dreaming that when i meet you Scotland you might just meet Poet.

I would introduce you to the world by an another name i would call you the SUN.

onesilentwinter said...

Joanne,

Thank you, will take very good thought possible!

onesilentwinter said...

oh Sally,

7 years then it all makes sense maybe. I am so glad that we met and that i got to spend time with you. It was incredible emotional week and that you share your emotions, fears and joys with me sealed the deal for our friendship - You are an amazing person. I am lucky to call you a friend, can not wait to braid my little girls hair that's if it ever starts growing!

Visit soon.

Dayle Allen Shockley @ A Collection of Days said...

Nadia, I always enjoy my time spent here in your lovely space. I believe that people come into our lives for seasons, some long, some short, some forever.

While I don't know your current situation, other than what you've shared here about Poet, I do know what it's like to adopt a baby, and I do know it was worth every ounce of energy required, every dollar spent.

Whether other people understand your journey is not important; how can they understand when they aren't in your shoes? A true friend will simply walk alongside you and hold your hand. Let the others go their own way and know they were only in your life for a season, however long that may have been. Who knows? Maybe they'll come around, in time.

Kind regards,
Dayle

Christine Davis said...

Thank you for your courage, your heart and your love that we all feel...you have touched my heart that I don't want to say so much here but know that we are here for you always... xoxo

Sif Orellana said...

Dearest Nadia

There you made my tears fall ♡ THANKS from the heart for your heartfelt greeting. I haven't words to tell you how grateful I am to have had the fortune to get to know you. What a blessing. You so truly deserve all the love and caring thoughts that flow towards you through your precious blog, and I dearly wish, that you and Poet soon will be on safe ground and can look forward to a happy and safe future together together. She is so lucky, the little angel, having come under your loving wings. Would be fantastic to meet her in Scotland ♡ Lots of thoughts and kisses to you, Poet and your loved ones from me.

Warmest thoughts
Sif ♡

la melodie de la vie said...

lots of love

Melissa said...

Nadia,
I have been a longtime reader, but don't often comment. However, I felt compelled to respond to your post today. I also felt abandoned by my friends when I had my baby (my husband did with his first child too). My best friends since grade school just disappeared. In the last few years, talking with other Moms and Dads, I think this is very common. Since then my newer Mommy & Daddy friends have become like family. They understand what its like to have a baby/family. They don't judge when your house is a mess or you show up to their party covered in baby puke and end up leaving early. My single friends just didn't get it. Babies made them uncomfortable.

I hope you continue to blog when you can. I look forward to your beautiful writings and pictures.

Laura C. said...

Although I do not know you, have followed your blog for awhile. Your story of being with little Poet is clearly a journey of unconditional love. Sending best thoughts and blessings to you. I truly hope things will work smoothly through for you in this trying time. Spring is near, and it always brings renewal!

Domenico said...

Nothing more selfish than a teenage boy, I panicked as I read the words Letting go for this has become my place of all that is good, and to not have it anymore would knock my existence right off its already fragile foundation. I can offer no words of wisdom as I have not been able to distinguish between the fair weather and true variety myself. I have been burned more times than I care to admit. Funny, because I know how to be a true friend one would conclude I could see the truth with ease. Your last sentence in this post is a gift that I will hopefully remember, thank you. Again, you have given me so much, and the only thing I can offer you is my admiration.

Anonymous said...

Dear Nadia,

I once read a story by a woman who had a daughter with Downe's Syndrome and she was so hurt and isolated by the fact that her friends avoided her, just when she needed them most, to talk about her fears (and her joys) but she later realized it was not from lack of love but from their own deep sorrow for her and their feelings that they did not know what to say or do. I think so many people just don't know that they don't have to say anything, they just need to be there and listen.
I am hoping so much that this ordeal of hanging between the greatest fear and the greatest joy will soon be over for you and you can breathe again.
With the love of a mother and a friend
Clare

Kaylin Lydia said...

I so love your writing. I have had similar things on my mind and you give me courage to also hit "publish". You and Poet are an excellent pair and fortunate to have found each other - I wish you all the best and will be keeping you on my mind.

nadia dole said...

dear Melissa,

Thank you for your encouragement. I was blessed this weekend to have beautiful family over with there baby boy, it was the best weekend- real and authenticate.

nadia dole said...

Dear Lauea,

Thank you for those kind words of encouragement and yes spring is near.

nadia dole said...

Dear Clare,

Thank you for your comment, i do understand but at times like these it is the normal everyday thing of friendship you need most but now i look around and see that my hurt is opened to the o new who understand.

Thank i hope so too, breathing full breaths i hope soon.

nadia dole said...

Hi Kaylin,

Oh i am glad and hope that it brought some relief in doing so - it did for me. thank you and i too will think of open clear paths for you.

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Christine,

Thank you, i miss you!

onesilentwinter said...

Dear Christine,

Thank you, i miss you!

Natalia Orloff said...

Dear Nadia,
We never met in real life, but I’ve been a silent admire, first of your blog, and then you for many years now. You’re a so gifted, talented, gentle, sincere, and loving person. My English is not good enough to describe my thoughts and feelings, but I found one comment from Sif Orellana that exactly describe it: “You are truly one of the finest, most honest and pure-hearted human beings I have ever met. You and your little Poet have truly deserved each other. It must be fate that has brought you two together. I don't doubt that for a moment. I admire you for your courage, your honesty and all that beautiful light that lives within you.” I wish you, K. and Poet many many happy years together.
Natalia

Shivani Ele said...

much much love to you Nadia - you are a brave woman with a great child inside that is not letting go of trust, of feelings, of believing... I know that things will work out!
And thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing what you are going through. Your words always touch me so deeply, you bring poetry in my life in such a beautiful and simple way :)