Sunday, February 23

in her glance

 It is late, everyone's asleep from little Poet to the dogs, horses and roosters. music quietly pouring out of speakers. Again words are trapped in me somehow the flesh is thick and the skin is paper thin.

This week, my mind and heart travelled to one of those places that seem endlessly dark one that has you believe the worst is possible, my feet fumbled, my mind crashed into windowless walls  and breathing was barely possible,  my physical body mimicking all that my soul was feeling. A frantic call for a soothing voice was met with silence or worse " what do you want me to say"….

Violins are playing now, no i mean literally and there is such deep stirring created by them and in the same time light filters in , i am awake, alive i can not lie and it's becoming clearer to me how much i have been holding my breath since April of last year when Poet entered my life with the very second came the most profound happiness and the most fear. Everything else i realize is barely there, attempting not to feel to much, not to say to much, not to be yet at the same time wanting to teach her all that i am.

Do you ever miss yourself, perhaps it is not proper to say it out loud but i do i miss the carefree believer in me, now believing is a risk and even though i write this i know i have completely surrendered every hope, dream, blood cell to this. I am so In love with this little being, that it is taking all i have to not show her how terrified i am of breaking in a millions unrecognizable pieces and even a tenth of second thought that she will not be mine or moreso that i will not be hers.

Do you know how incredible she is, to hear her say "hi"is joy itself, to feel her little hands on your face and watch her pop her head around the corner and smile, to have her reach for you and nestle her head on your chest till she falls asleep……….in her glance, in her hand, in her laughter i recognize what pure love really is.

we go to court on wednesday no miracle will happen in court that morning but just maybe the beginning of  the end to not being a hundred percent sure.

beautiful music here.

24 comments:

Sarah said...

Dearest Nadia,
Pretend for a moment that you made that phone call to me...I would listen to all your hopes, your dreams, your happiness and your fears. And I would tell you that the worst is possible, it always is, but the best is just as possible. Don't be "barely there," she needs and deserves all of you. You might be afraid of the worst, but let your belief in her, in your family and in yourself be stronger than your fears.

and if you ever need a place to write or talk it out, I'll listen.

I'll say a prayer for Wed. morning. ♥

Sarah

Anonymous said...

She is the most beautiful and I know in my heart all will be ok! Sis

Dena Testa Bray said...

No matter what happens in court, may it be a new beginning, not an end.

Dena Testa Bray said...

No matter what happens in court, may it be a new beginning.

Sanda said...

You will be in my thoughts on Wednesday !!!

Liz Woodbury said...

I can't wait until you're a hundred percent sure.

Dayle Allen Shockley @ A Collection of Days said...

Prayers for you, for Poet, for Wednesday to be all you hope and need it to be.

I don't know your particular adoption situation, but I remember our court date with our precious one and the sigh of relief that came after. She was all ours, forever and ever.

Kimberly said...

That question, so familiar to my ears, "what do you want me to say?" I look to my husband for comfort, reassurance, a thousand times spoken by him. "What do you want me to say?" I want, need you say a thousand times more, it will be alright, everything will be fine. And he does, after silence and tears and frustration, say the right words, with the right conviction. I know he is not god, I know he is as powerless as me in those times, but I need his strength, his optimism, his faith, I need those words to bouy me, keep me uplifted. I hope you heard those words, as well. If not, I will tell you, everything will be alright, everything will fine. Be strong. I wish all good things for you, Poet and K.

Dalia Haddad said...

Oh dear Nadia, I think of you all the time. You are so strong just doing what you are doing and going day after day with these questions. Poet is so lucky to have you in her life. And no matter what happens on Wednesday and with court be sure that as much as there is possibility for the worst there is also possibility for the best.

KAM said...

Nadia, dear one...I continue to pray for you and Poet and your whole family...for your land and the beauty around you to be that echo chamber that calls back to you..be well, hold fast to love, give Poet every piece of all of your love and you every day. The future is always unknown...All the best is all I hold as I pray for you. Wednesday is just a day...each step every day is just a step. Live your life fully as you have been doing...write when you are able and know deep within that there is a circle of women standing and praying with you every day. Much love, dear one. Kristin

Sif Orellana said...

Lots of love and warm hugs from me to you, dearest Nadia. You and your precious Poet and husband are so much in my prayers and thoughts. Wish you all the best of luck in the world. Am certain everything will be alright and that Poet will be yours and stay where she is now - with you, where she belongs ♡♡♡

Love
XOXO
Sif

Barb Vanderspek said...

Dear nadia
I have followed your blog for about 3 yrs. i am not very computer smart but I shall try to leave you a message from my heart.

I believe with all my heart and soul that little Poet is yours for today and forever. I believe.

My dad when he was alive was a violin player. In my heart he will be playing on wednesday and all will be WELL.

I will be sending love and light and prayers for you and I have already through the yrs. You are loved. You are precious and you are blessed with this little angel.

I send to you a warm hug. Embrace it and feel it.
You are a beautiful Momma.
Love to you from Barb

annton beate Schmidt said...

she is yours already. so are you for her. no matter what. a love that deep, no chances of fading. never. above, something tells me, something in your photographs wispers: all will be good! sending a dose of superwoman powers. use them as you wish...

Christine Davis said...

Dear Nadia, please know that since the beginning of this journey and to continue throughout, you are surrounded and embraced by so much love. You are always in my thoughts and know that all of us are with you...

jencausey said...

I will be thinking of you this week. All will be fine, I just know it.

Anonymous said...

This is not just about the love of a mother and daughter, but the love of fellow mothers and sisters who all know your aching longing and want so much for you to be freed of the fear and free to love completely and confidently.
May your love be fulfilled and be forever.
Thinking of you
Clare

Laura C. said...

Hold fast Nadia. When we are unsure of our being and everything seems scattered, we are leaving the door open for more uncertainty to enter. Close that door and gather your inner knowledge. Build on the solid truths that time has taught you. Nothing can shatter unconditional love and commitment.

onesilentwinter said...

You are truly wonderful and i feel very lucky to have you rooting, praying and believing. I am overwhelmed by your generosity of sprit and in how kindly you write me.

you guys are all so gracious and lovely and i truly believe in my heart that i feel you here with me when i need it and i need it, thank you dear beautiful souls.

Sweet Life Farm said...

We are all with you at heart, Nadia. The place of not knowing is wearisome, the fear of loss, terrifying. It sounds natural your mind would teeter between the two, while your heart fully embraces this precious gift of life which you would protect with your own. Hold close to your heart, lay your fears to rest on the earth. Your great love will carry you and your family. I hold you, K and Poet in my highest thoughts. There is nothing I want more than for this little girl to forever know you as her momma. Blessings, blessings.

Dawn said...

Have faith. I am thinking of you so often and holding you and K and Poet and all of your dear creatures tenderly in my heart.

xo

elizabeyta said...

Nadia,

I send hugs and prayers. I am not the best about picking up the phone. I am normally running after my two year old grandson. But, I do respond to email as soon as I see it. Always feel free.

Blessings, prayers, and love sent.

elizabeyta

Vino Satchi said...

I do not know your persona.ly, but I've been reading your blog. Your posts are beautiful, and touching. I'll hold you in my thoughts and am sending good vibes your from California.

Caitlin said...

Dear Nadia,

I'm saying a prayer for you and your family this morning - that the court proceedings would go well and that they would give you the ability to hope for a future, to love that little girl with your whole heart and to know that she is yours. I can't imagine the pain you've been going through these past few months (in the midst of such joy) and my prayer is that it will come to an end and that your joy would be all the sweeter because of this season of uncertainty. Sending lots of love your way today.

Susan said...

We also adopted it is not an easy road but so worth it as you know.Don't give up....We lost one child in adoption red tape. Fell apart,then tried again that was 14 years ago,this time success...My heart and thoughts are with you.