Tuesday, January 24

a lot of someones.....

rain came followed by warm weather and now the snow has gone. it is later into the night i am sitting by the fire. i had not planned to post and even now i am searching for words.  perhaps i can mention the two coyotes that have been spending their days here, one is a beautiful red almost like a fox, the other has grey spots and half a tale without fur. i started looking at them through binoculars but now they are so close  to the house that just today i had to scare them. can i confide in you, i have watched them so much that i feel as if they are part of the farm- which is not good for a place with chickens and ducks. i wonder how to shut it off the thing in my heart that falls in love with all things, the one that wants to take care of them. these last few days my heart and mind has been on other things, things i just can't get use to. no matter how many times i tell myself to get over it, i just do not understand how i have been chosen not to be a mother. ( i know heavy right?) so sorry i will get over it or used to it one day. i just needed to tell  someone a lot of someones.....



19 comments:

Jane Flanagan said...

What can I say... absolutely nothing. All I can do is reach for your hand and hold it. And I can't even do that. But in spirit, yes. Sweet Nadia.

kimberly said...

Oh sweet gentle friend~ I wish that somewhere on the highest shelf of a musty old small-town library there was a book that had answers to such questions. Alas, as far as I know, that is now the case. You have such a kind soul and I wish there was something I could do to bring you happiness. I can only offer this tiny piece of advice - watch your post box.
love love
xx

Sweet Life Farm said...

Oh, Nadia, my grieving heart hears yours…. Moments ago, I was sitting; looking into the flames of the fire warming my home, still in my sadness and you came to mind. The past ten days have held the heaviness of the tragic loss of one beloved dog and extreme illness of my aging Great Pyr, Sugar. I have lost my footing and faith. Then my heart is touched by the sharing of sweet souls who love and grieve and carry on…and I have a flicker of remembrance of why we do.

I love the photos of Tolstoy and Sophie. I might one day, over coffee, like to tell you the tale of when I went out to gather eggs and instead found a fox curled up in the hen’s nest. I told her if she moved into the stall next door I’d do my best to help her. She stayed for three weeks not bothering a chicken and when she was strong again, shared her thankfulness and headed back to the forests. Life has its own rhythm, hoping to be able to dance along with it again soon.

federica said...

I know how you feel because “I have been chosen” for this sad task and sometimes it seems to me of going crazy... I try to devote my energy and my attention to everything else around me but it is not always easy, sometimes it is hard even to get up in the morning ... then, like magic, something happens that makes me calm down ... usually the sweetness and patience of my husband. I do not think you can help to know that you are not alone in these sad moments, but know that it is. You're lucky to have a lovely husband near you and so many animals around you, that gives you unconditional love ... a hug. F.

Annton Beate Schmidt said...

this sounds very sad indeed. so sorry you have to go through such grey moments. but, as I can relate to it quite well, something I have understood over the years. there are many ways to be a mother, and I am not talking about technical stuff. we have the power to choose them, despite what life has in store for us.

rebecca said...

i hear your sadness. when i exist in that sort of place the pain revolves from ache to burn, burn to ache.

is it enough to just be here or .... could we, someones, do something more?

tea and biscuits would not work.... would you like poems left the comments? :) it is okay to need support.

also, i love coyotes, too. mostly people feel they are pests. i love when they are howling close by at night,,,,but then again i do not have sheep or other livestock out.

(there is a photo of a brilliant red cardinal)
http://haiku365.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/red-coat1.jpg


A morsel in mouth,
A luxurious red coat,
Cold snow matters not!

avant garde design said...

well, first of all you shouldn't shut that part of you off, not ever! i'm similar lately except it's wtih big black crows. i started feeding them in my yard with extra pieces of bread left over from dinner the night before. now they sit on a branch outside my front door and squawk at me in the morning. they are literally waiting for me to come out. most people hate crows, but i can't. plus they are sooooo smart ;) i love the photo of the snow on your horse...

Laura said...

Nadia, I am sorry about your deep pain. There is no answer, you weren't chosen, it happened, it has nothing to do with you, it is a random act of nature. My neighbor lost three pregnancies and then did a lot of work to survive the loss of never having children. Their choice was not to adopt or try any other way, it took her a long time but she is fine now. My cousin can't have children because of ovarian cancer who robbed her of her fertility at 28, she is still not over it, she is still in pain but less every day. Looking at these two women close to me it seems that the pain lessen, there is acceptance. I don't know how to help you but please know that you have another person sending a big hug, I have seen your pain in many women. You will survive and you will be stronger because of it.

Juliana said...

As I have been having many of the same thoughts this week, I can relate to your feelings. I could do with a purifying cry, but the tears aren't ready to come yet. A hug to you, Nadia.

joanne said...

When I read your post this morning, I wanted to reply straight away, but couldn't find the words - because there are no words.
So sending you a hug and hope you feel how much it's felt.

Anonymous said...

Sending you a big hug...I feel the same pain in my heart. Not sure it is possible to get over it. But maybe each day it will hurt a little less. One thing is sure - all that extra love you have to give is being gratefully received.

Sanda Vuckovic Pagaimo said...

Oh my dear,dear friend,would like to be near and able to have long talks with you.Sometimes life acts strange,we are just not able to understand why some things happened.But I know you are chosen to be great aunt,chosen to be great friend and if you are near me,I know you would be chosen to be second mother of my kids.
I am with you in my thoughts!!!

j said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your heart is breaking. Don't feel like you have to 'get over it' but know that you will get through it. Allow yourself whatever time is necessary to heal. And never, never question why you love...just love...always love. It's the only thing that really matters. xo

Ann Marie said...

loves to you, nadia. i know your heart is broken. it's ok to have a broken heart...it makes you so human to me, i know you're the kind of woman who knows the deep sufferings and the deep joys of life. much love.

nicole said...

I too, have to try and cope with the fact that I will not be a mother. It is heartbreaking. It is something I don't talk about. That I am only beginning, with microscopic steps, to face. I admire your courage to reach out. Don't shut off the thing in your heart that loves all things. It is a very precious gift that no doubt will help you through this.

Imagine you will fly... said...

... are you absolutely sure about it? I do not want to deepen your pain in making you any hopes ... but I would feel guilty if i would not tell you about my daughter in law, who wasn't able to become a mother for years. She then went to see my chiropractor/kinesiologist in Saint-Jovite (now MontTremblant). After maybe two sessions there, he told her "now you can have a baby." The truth is, she got pregnant in the following weeks and has two children now.

RetreatingAndAdvancing said...

I am so deeply sorry for you! I wish I could make it any better or say something comforting, but maybe there is nothing to say in such a situation.
I'm with you in my thoughts and send you a lot of hugs!

Pam said...

Nadia, I am saddened to read of your pain, and wish with all my heart I could ease it in some way. I send you much love and many hugs.

kristi said...

i'm new to this blog. your photos completely move me. they are melancholy, beautiful. i don't have any comforting words to say but wanted to join in and send you a virtual hug from a stranger. thank you for being so transparent.