Tuesday, May 31

the women before me.


i live five minutes from  NY state and ten minutes from mass. i am in vermont and every road is country. i take small drives to reflect and clear my head, but what has happened lately is  me slowing down wondering if the farm i see before is functioning. in a time were small hobby farms are being started  and a higher speed then just a decade ago, the larger ones are shutting down.  i often wonder how things come to an end, but this time between gaz and diesel prices,  most farm owners are over seventy years of age and the work never seize to be back breaking even with all the heavy machinery and technology so hence they close.

I have been reading a lot lately about frontier times, pioneers and homesteaders, we were stronger than, sure it was survival but physically our strength and endurance was much different than the people we are today. when i knew i was moving to vermont on a hundred acres of open land,  i instantly made plans in my head, more so i envisioned who i was going to be and what i would do. more i dove into my books more i made plans. what i did not plan on how my productivity level would be different then what i thought. i started to get disappointed in myself, how could i let myself down in such a big way. why was i not able to turn the soil like the woman i have read about, who against all odds did it.  the last few days specially when i could hardly do a thing because a door  handle punched me in the eye on a tornado kinda night leaving it black and blue and with a nausea that lasted for two days i thought how am i so different in my mind than the person i really am. i got down, real down then i realized one can also build up endurance, can they not. there was a time i had worked so hard that people who cared for me had to remind me to drink water or eat, what happened to her and can i get her back. my goal in writing this is to challenge myself, moving here living on my own for the most part i thought my challenges would be weather, shelter, animals it turns out that my biggest challenge will be myself. will i be able to resemble even a fraction of the women i so admire, i hope too.

*spotted this farm not far from where i live, it is quiet and beautiful even in ruin. ( if u clickthe photo, u will see more of it.)

11 comments:

Jane Flanagan said...

Lovely post. I often compare myself negatively to other women (especially women in the past).

But I think it's also true that our lives are so different, there's so much more to account for these days.

Things have improved and they have dis-improved too and we're trying to learn from the past but live still in a modern world. You can definitely learn from and draw inspiration from those women.

But it's important to recognize your reality too and set your expectations for yourself and not according to a paradigm from the past. You do amazing things. Give yourself credit.

S. Etole said...

What a stately old farm ...

You are more than you know.

Kerry O'Gorman said...

We only have five acres but I too have felt daunted by upkeep and chores at times...I always tell myself, "don't look at the big picture"...it's too big. Start in one corner and accomplish that. Those pioneer woman were there for the long haul and worked dawn till dusk without power or running water! We come from strong stock! Keep looking at the beauty and sharing it all...cheers.

Caroline said...

I fully believe one can build endurance both mentally and physically!! You are thoroughly inspiring!! xo.

The Oak Leaves said...

Ive been having the exact same problem... I hope you can find some path to take that will lead you to who you want to be...

I dont understand why it is so hard to actually physically be who you feel you are in your head, but it is ...

Natasha said...

You made this move and are making your dreams come true and that takes such courage! I've only started to get to know you but I think you are in the same class as the women that you so admire. You are quite inspiring, you've certainly inspired me.
I will find your post banana bread & friend, I can't wait to read it.

missing moments said...

Lovely post ... even more so is the barn. I love old barns. You have captured this exquisitely!

V said...

Wow, interesting reflection. I often feel the same not exactly about the "strenght" but about the skilfulness: in our days, how many of us are able to sew? To make cheese and preserves? To build something that lasts? But here you are, taking care of animals and working hard for your dreams, in a world that makes too little of manual tasks and agriculture, although they are still the real basic needs. At the same, you are so creative and able to create addicted readers to your blog.
We live in the epoque that we have been born and can't change that. And simply by feeling as you do now, and comparing yourself with those women of the past, I do think that you are paying homage to them.

Bonbon Oiseau said...

Oh Nadia,
This is such a hard thing. What you are doing is such a challenge and back in those days there was no other choice but that kind of back breaking work don't you think? I'm sure those women cried too, doubted themselves too, struggled with similar struggles.
Its so easy to feel down when you have a set back, so much harder to remember to look it square in the eye, laugh and say, f*ck it. i can do this, even when you're not sure you can.

i never doubt for a minute you can do this but you are doing it 5 days a week on your own! in any case, i hope you are feeling better in these three days since the post. As my mother always said, "there will be days like this."

xoox,
deb

gemma said...

Good luck to you with your new challenges. You are clearly a creative and inspired person. I sense things will fall into place for you very soon.

Melissa said...

I always ask the same question when I drive by abondoned run down farmsteads. Just so sad that they are left to fall apart and you always ask why the quit. I want one of those farms