Wednesday, October 20

the train station


yesterday i sat and waited at the train station for k. i used to love the train station, the airport. i loved seeing people coming and going i would fill with excitement of the possibilities. i would love the sounds of trains pulling in, people calling out names and fashionable feet running across the station floor. it was not like that yesterday, yesterday i knew i had changed. i felt out of place, i knew where i wanted to be. no longer thinking of where i would like to go but where it was i wish to be, the country side my home. although my wait was not long at the station it felt that way to me. I thought about the sounds on the farm, the new birds that sing with each new season, the horses that run up the hill, the way the sun highlights a certain tree and how i always seem to find a treasure from nature.  on the farm i have no problem giving up people watching for bird watching, specially now a days as the cardinals are eating the fall berries. I thought about how i never feel lonely at the farm and that no one approaches me on being too quiet  or lost in thought, that at the farm i can dream for days on end without wasting any ones time. i thought about lentils and how a home made bowl of them spiced with curry was better than anything on the menu in  town. i thought about piles of books, and knitting needles. I have to tell you there was a bit of sadness that entered me as i  was sitting on the banquette waiting for k, i realized i was different that i had changed and it felt permanent, i felt old as if i was setting my feet in cement willingly and i wondered if k would love this person that no longer kept a suitcase packed at edge of her bed -somehow i crossed over and  there at the station i was saying goodbye to the person i used to be.

8 comments:

Jane Flanagan said...

This is such a beautiful post. I've felt myself gravitating more towards staying than leaving in the last few years. I haven't yet found my equivalent of your "farm" but once I do, the deal will be sealed. I will let it consume me entirely and I will be happily consumed by it in return.

S. Etole said...

such a lovely place to be even though it may seem unsettling at first ...

Lacey @ The Road is Life said...

Wow-- beautifully put. I feel a deep connection and familiarity with these words. It's funny how you stumble across blogs of others with going through the same feelings/changes/dreams-- just at the right time.

And this sentence especially resonated with me: "I thought about how i never feel lonely at the farm and that no one approaches me on being too quiet or lost in thought, that at the farm i can dream for days on end without wasting any ones time. i thought about lentils and how a home made bowl of them spiced with curry was better than anything on the menu in town."----EXACTLY!

enjoy being back on the farm
lace

kate so said...

beautiful.

Kerry O'Gorman said...

This is something that many people long for. To feel settled and content. Be happy for all your travels and know that you are on a different journey. The world is a different place now and although I think of dreamy places to visit, I am happy enough watching the birds through my window and listening to the crow of our rooster in the distance.

jennifer said...

Wow, I can't imagine this place. I want to, just not quite there yet.

Heidi said...

Just lovely.....

Half-heard in the Stillness said...

Hauntingly beautiful writing, I loved it!

Jane