Saturday, May 23

chapter one and the lesson( tent)

Warning this is a long, probably personal post so please dont feel the need to read it( i am writing to let it go) but please do enjoy the photographs of our last day camping at the beach! we are now in the white mountains in nh. i will share photos with you very soon.

swirling in my head has been my thoughts about what these last few weeks have been like and the "why" that follows it. the lessons i have learned, the joys, the fears and my favorite why i believe all was meant to be.

less then a month ago i believed i would be heading to california. california being the reward of a challenge i had put for myself that turned out to be something others( in the industry) wanted to support. I had envisioned, studied, prepared and not to have the it completely air tight( you need to let ideas, plans have room to move) i left others to chance. one day randomly as i often did i went to craigslist "house swap" where i thought to myself how great it would be to find a home in montana or colorado for me to have as a center base, when i cam across a swap in california. although california had never been part of the stops i had planned on making, the fact that it was at the gates to joshua tree national park had me intrigued so i responded. A few weeks later ann and her daughter came to visit, nervous of either outcome- it was done they loved it and soon we would be swapping. the home i was going to was a dream adobe, guest house, pool and all the privacy one could dream about. the icing on the cake was that i had just met very genuine people and that feeling of it was meant to be showed it's head and we were all giddy!

Now came getting the house ready, i saw so much wrong with it, yes the house i love through my lens is not how i feel about it at all at times. chandeliers on the floor, paint not just right, bathroom leaving much to be desires. I did work hard to make it as perfect as i could. like when preparing to sell house you end up making some of the changes that you wished you would have made before, the fun part of a swap is you come back home to these things. Then the news came that my adventured would be delayed with no promised time except heading to the desert any later would be impossible. my plans had taken a one eighty.

I wanted my guessed to come regardless, it was not their fault and i must admit to being excited that they were here to see there family expand a baby was to be born, due date may 9th( is that right). i wanted it to be smooth for them more than anything. So we checked out our options, do we stay with friends, do i vist my family and leave kevin to stay at his..after much deliberation we taught "We will live in a tent for how ever long" i was excited!

the day my guessed arrived we had already headed to newburyport. we wanted them to make themselves at home asap without us being there. they called and were pleased and ann said" it felt as if we came home" tears ran down my face as i heard the message..because i was so anxious that i might have overlooked something. as i wrote on the post about living in a tent we arrived to our destination and the sun was setting and just then " it was meant to be" popped into view once again.
Then we received a call that something had gone wrong with the house but was completely fixable, so we thought. It dragged too long their patience was to kind and i thought it will all work out! but a lesson i had learned - when my body and mind begins to shut down i see everything with rose colored glasses and i find myself reassuring everyone, or more so i start to reassure myself that everything will be okay, and that the solution is just around the corner and believed it myself.

While "K" and i where loving living this way more than we anticipated( do not get me wrong we love. love hiking and camping) but this as stated in a previous post was a little different- but no sacrifice.( this is how i feel and although i am sure kevin feels similar, he would have to write it himself to reassure certain individuals that could not imagine finding happiness in such a situation). So even though we were enjoying it. I felt the failure seep through. How did i not for see this? how i had tried so very hard to make it perfect and now that too was not to be. now the grey set in and for those who were depending on me to make it smooth.

then the anonymous comments- i had not seen it and received a few phone calls and many e-mails asking if i had seen it. when finally did, i wanted to shrug it off, listen to all the lesson i had learned about; what i know is to be true and someone else's perceptions of the truth. but i failed there to- the anonymous managed to seep through. Now of course some of what that non- anonymous was saying was true- if you are still reading this you would have come across a half a dozen-no wait this is a long post two dozen:) typos and incredible bad grammar. yet it-was the tone of how it was said " horrible" the person wanted to hurt me, not criticize ( there is a difference to me), then there was the whole"... be a contributing part of society?" i can't argue this point, i just can't. then came "toughen up" well ironically i had found that i had started to use my blogging as a journal of sorts that sometimes i too felt like i was whinny-yet that was for me to feel and not for some anonymous (wait non-anonymous) person to say..i used to keep everything to myself and somehow i started to release it, feeling as if some others could benefit but also that i did not hold on to it for decades as i once did. then it it hit k,my family and i that this person was not anonymous but someone close enough to know some but not all. i responded with a comment in the only way i know how, turn it into a lesson. i was okay with it. like i said there was some truth in it. Yet i also believed that the person could not believe that my experiences were true and that we actually run with the punches and enjoy them too.

then in the evening late, late in the evening i received a call saying that the anonymous was back with a vengeance. i refused to read it, in fact i stayed away from my computer till noon the next day( which is usually impossible for me) but somehow i was trying to prepare for it-wow was i wrong i was not prepared at all- no i was sucker punched( do you guys like my cliches- stole them:) he( soon we will know who ( maybe them) that person is, since blogger and tech friend have decided to look into it) really went to town(oops another one:) at first it hit me hard, then for some reason i let it go within a few hours, yet an underlining feeling was that this was someone close to my husband and i. but there is where the anonymous person let a few things slip as well as the fact that it was hard to find some truth in what (he ) wrote. although i have owned a tea shop for many years, right now it is dormant. i had never went to a tea convention, ever. i have went to many others in my life time mostly landscaping- i had never went to a tea one because most of them where in vegas( which to me was not conducive to tea) and a lot of money. then the person said filling my fans with fake interpretation of my life- well the only thing i know how to do is to show the beauty of the things around it, no matter what my circumstances are -there is always beauty- always a "this is meant to be moment". that is how k and i live- we make the best of it. but the non- anonymous wonders why i do not share the grey- read my blog description( go ). and like all grey days the blue sky often follows. then came mother theresa comment- something i am not sure if i understood- i do not have a halo on my head, never will but i also have learned that i am a good person( those words are hard for me to write) for i struggle with them everyday- yet i have met a lot of horrible people who make no effort and are full-time selfish people- that is not me and yes i saying it outloud!

now your comment about me being a "fake" i ask a fake what exactly? i think it is the opposite that bothers you, the fact that i see it- life is what we are living now- that there is four seasons in everyday and i embrace it! and finally the comment that killed me( admitting that you upset me this much bothers me)"lets ask "k" how he feels..." i think the person is angry. first because instead of writing kevin i write "k". i like the sound of it, most bloggers refer to their spouses by an initial as if we a re protecting the identity:) this part leads me to believe you are close to him and care for his well being or maybe you think you do- but perhaps if you were there when he first read it- you-would see that i could have after a bit shrugged the comment off until i saw how much it upset him, just like i and (real) friends around he got it- that this was coming from someone who was passing themselves as a friend.. k and i talked it over on a long walk with the dogs and decided we would drop it but what happened was we both started to suspect everyone- that is happens you suspect even-the ones you care for the most and because we love our friends and family we decided that it would be best to find out whom this person(s) is, not because the words affect us anymore they don't, but what we do care about is that there is an underline hurt that has us afraid of trusting the people we have been so close too and because we love them all we must rule them out.

wow this was long!!!!!!!!!!!

Now i will quickly finish this off by saying that except for the anonymous part. we are so glad that we have been tenting. I have learned that i did not need so much stuff and love the simplicity of having less. i discovered that this was a great way to practice what i will one day soon be doing across the country and finally that everyday can be the best day ever!
and that is why i say this was meant to be!!

oh and ps. the baby is tsill in her belly- that is another lesson they come out when the are ready !


in another lifetime said...

Nadia, I read every word of this. I admire you for getting EVERYTHING out there. This is testament to the fact that your blog reads truth. Now so more than ever. You are brave for posting this. You are a wonderful person who feels. A lot. You are steadfast in your compassion for others. You reached a hand for me to grab ahold of earlier today, and I was moved. I am moved again now. Good for you for posting the truth for all of us to see. I am proud of you and happy to know you.

corine said...

I want to know who this vicious person is. Bring him/her down. Vindictive? moi? never!

Laurel said...

I just started following your pretty blog and wanted to say hi and tell u anon is a bully. I just did a post myself on bullys. Check it out if u are so inclined. I have found that while my blog started with mainly home and design interests it has evolved to a much more revealing personal story and that's a good thing for this girl. Keep doing what you do.) hugs from northern calif.

Christine--RHP said...

I read the whole thing too and really, truly appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings. This is raw, and we are honored to be privy to your inner being this way. Whatever this anon is about has more to do with them than you, it seems and it will fade as life and time go on...let yourself feel every bit of it and you will let it go. blessings on your journeys....the photos are lovely as always.

Amanda Nicole said...

I just recently came across your blog, and I immediately added it to my Google reader because you come across as genuine and your blog's pictures and content bring a slice of sunshine to my day. Thank you for putting yourself out there, and for being an inspiration. Also, I commend you for blogging in a language that isn't your first! You are very brave, and your readers love you for it :)

kendalee said...

Nadia, thank you. As always when you share of yourself, whether it is through words or images or a combination of the two, you are an inspiration. People who feel deeply as you clearly do, and experience real beauty and an opportunity for growth even when things don't go as planned are sadly often misunderstood by some. Anon just doesn't get it. And that's his/her loss. I admire you for this. And I wish you joy on your journey... Lots of it. It is meant to be.

Beverly Ash Gilbert said...

I read it all and love the fact that you wrote as your thoughts poured out. Who cares about spelling and grammar - your thoughts and feelings are so much deeper than that.

I never commented on that string of hurtful things that were said to you because your response led me to believe that they didn't bother you. How foolish of me - of course they did. They were cruel and meant to hurt.

A very wise person once told me the following (sorry it is a little long):
'Each time we interact with another person we have a level of self confidence, which changes from day to day, minute to minute, is dependent on who we are with, what we are doing etc. But the point is that when we interact with another, each comes with their own level of self confidence. And it is human nature to pull the other person to that level. This is why when we are with some people we are always uplifted and feel happy to be ourselves. Yet with others we are always dragged down.'

Looking at anonymous in this light it seems that 'he' probably has a very low self esteem. Yes, he meant to hurt your feelings, but probably what he subconsciously meant to do was to pull you down to his level.

I hope you work this out of your system and come to realize that it has nothing to do with you. Yet also feel okay turning it over to the police if it feels scary or invasive (I had to do that once and the police put the fear of god into my not-so-anonymous stalker).

btw - your photos, your musings are absolutely wonderful!

chelsea said...

I am so sorry you received some awful comments. There are certainly some meanies out there. I've had a few mean comments lately and they are hurtful no matter how much you try to ignore them. Thanks so much for sharing your stories with us. I always love your blog. Your outlook and your photos always leave me very inspired.

Joy said...

dear nadia,
you are inspiring.... your sharing of yourself in your authenticity reveals the beauty of a true human experience.

trupeach said...

i am always so grateful for your honesty and the way you embrace every moment, even the ones that hurt or bring doubt. because you you never shut down, you let it out, and in the process of reading your words, we can let some of our bad stuff go too.
thank you. for it all.

Irene said...

Dear Nadia, do not let the hurful words hurt you. I didn't even know about the comments until I read your post today, but let me tell you, they are not an expression of you, they are rather an expression of the person's individual hurt inside that s/he cannot help (well, s/he can help it, but does not) but pour into the world. It is because your writing is so beautiful and your life is filled with beautiful things and you roll with the punches and allow yourself to find poetry in every day that this person wanted to bring you down and make you feel awful. I do hope you can find out who this is so you don't have to worry. Big hugs,

Irene (and "A." :))

jennifer lorton said...

Hi Nadia,
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.

Chris said...

I agree with everyone. I think it's so sad that people feel the need to say mean and hurtful things on someone else's blog. Blogs are like an online diary in many ways, and many of us pour out our feelings or are brutally honest with others. And 99% of our readers understand or at least are compassionate enough to care how we feel, help us with our struggles, and cheer us when we need it. Then there's the 1% like anon who finds pleasure in making people hurt, and you know that they will never hurt like you do because they can't empathize with you.

Anyhow, I'm sorry, and just know that the other 99% of us love you and your words (and beautiful images) and do NOT share anon's attitude or words.

dia said...

Again, I am so proud of you.

Mandarine D'Italie said...

Unbelievable this is something I have been dreading myself.. Since I have started blogging some of my friends are gone very silent and this I suspect has got to do with something that Corine once said on one of her posts, that bloggers get other bloggers and that there are plenty of people out there that read our blogs without expressing a word of appreciation or even mentioning that they ever read our blogs... sadly I have to correct myself on calling them 'friends' and accept a revelation: perhaps they were hiding behind a mask and never really revealed themselves for what they are... well as you say lesson learnt ... if this is the price that I have to pay to be myself, well then I suppose I have to pay my fair share on this one ... but I rather be truthful to myself than being a hypocrite surrounded by many others... plus in Italy we say that for each door that closes there is one that opens for fact since blogging few doors might have been closed but so many have been opened for me...I have 'met' some wonderful people out HERE [web] ... we carry on - HEADS UP!
Love, Cx

cindy : quaint said...

your posts are genuine and heartfelt, nadia. i think of a blog as an extension of one's home. if someone doesn't like something, they can leave. there's no room for negativity. i hope you can leave those comments in the dust where they belong.

jennifer said...

i'm sorry you have to go through this but I just want you to know that whatever this person has said has zero affect on how I feel about your blog, your photos, your words. it is your space and i love visiting.

Anonymous said...

ignore anon, delet the comments from your blog. don't give him what he wants, your time and energy. anon isn't worth any of it and your blog is your queendom. anon = poor soul with nothing better to do than stir up trouble.

muralimanohar said...

Whoa. I did read the whole thing, and am disgusted with Anon. Who is he to think he knows everything about a person by what he sees on the exterior?

Anonymous said...

I am glad I was mistaken and it was fortune that gave opportunity and not Ill fate. There will always be envious hearts who choose to hurt those of good hearts.