nature of me

i am good at it, good at staying quiet when my insides scream. i am good at letting things roll off me even though they somehow end up inside of me. I am good at not pretending to pretend. i am good and believing it is my fault when it is not. i am bad at speaking when my insides are screaming, i am bad as i  keep things in when i should let them roll off of me. i am bad for taking the blame when you are in the wrong.

somehow things work themselves out, somehow there is fog and rain, sun and snow in one day. sometimes i am four seasons, i grow and shed, change and bloom all in on hour that is the nature of me and i am finally realizing some of it i can not change and some of it i no longer feel the need to change. i am i, like wool is wool.

I like this song for in it i recognize the quietness behind the screams, the static between two feelings.

can i tell

can i tell you about my days, can i tell you the small details that accumulate and fill the space of time, would that be okay? there so many little moments through out my day and even though i just asked if i could tell you, i realize how much there would be to write and i am not the best of writers. Instead can i tell you that right now i am sitting on the floor by the fire with my back to the couch my laptop resting on my thighs  tea cup to my side and music pouring out of my speakers. The sun is behind thick clouds but  still manages to create such a beautiful light.

Can i tell you that even though there is so much to think about, i have finally found a way to quiet my mind, not rush to get to a place i do not know. can i tell you that i have added some more things to my daily routine/rituals like holding a pencil in my hand and writing a few things that have trouble being said or written any other way and how i am doing push ups, gosh that sounds so harsh in contrast to what i usually say here but such a quick stress reliever and brings me a sense of calm. hands flat on the wooden floor, my weight resting on them as i move towards it and then push against it, move towards it, push away from it.

can i tell you that i took a long walk today and i touched the bark on trees and scooped the greenest of moss, it felt nice to feel these things,  to feel things in your hands.  right now the winter sun is coming in and that is nice on my skin, and the piano playing is also lovely. i am calm and that is unexpected.