Wednesday, April 30

no walls, fully believing.


i was going to write you today about the lines on my face and the weight on my hips, no courage to do so at this time, bleak.

Instead can i write you about how my heart keeps expanding so much so at times i am overtaken by tears, happy ones with grains of fear. Fear that i not only see the finish line but i feel it.   the last few weeks while i stare at Poet and whatever she is doing at the time, my mind wonders taking along with it my heart to the adoption day, the court room. Although i do not know how these things play out, i do not know who will be there and who will not but i imagine some sort of final word from the Judge making it clear we are now the legal parents to our daughter and as she finishes i clench Poet and K and Sob uncontrollably from happiness all the while letting go of the fear. This scenario has been playing in my head often as of late and when it does, i find myself sobbing and shaking.

I am not supposed to go there in my mind, heart  is not supposed to feel or experience this emotionally just yet, but it does.  there is no wall to protect me now, i am wide open ready, waiting, scared but fully believing.


* the state might make me take this photograph down, i understand.

16 comments:

Mary said...

My heart aches in anticipation for you. I am so looking forward to reading the post you write after that court date.

Anonymous said...

Let go of the fear and go for the moments you have. Hope is like a lovely blue pond of water. So many things live in it: butterflies, goldfish, skimmers, tadpoles, reflections . . . Fear comes along with a big stick and stirs up the muck and mud at the bottom. Chaos ensues and stress grows. When the water grows still . . . So many people are "hoping." :)

Dena Testa Bray said...

One day at a time. Adoption is a scary process. Our daughter's final adoption papers are amongst my most prized possessions. I send love and support to Poet, you, your entire family. Stay open. Your heart will mend.

annton beate Schmidt said...

I am crying and holding my breath at the same time. Tough we've never met, you have my heart in this.

Sarah said...

the most important thing is that you are fully believing. Let yourself know it fully in your heart. Anything else would be robbing you of precious moments and time with your sweet little family. ♥

Noelle the dreamer said...

Thinking of you and sending prayers in anticipation of a joyful ending!
A warm hello from the Pacific NW coast,

Iren said...

Wow, what a emotional picture!
can't wait to hear of a happy end, no: happy beginning!

Anonymous said...

the picture is priceless, and in Poet's face i can see she knows where she belongs and feels secure in life....some things are so powerful in spirit such as Poet being with you that the universe will see to it....

Christine Davis said...

We are all with you... xoxo

Christine Davis said...

We are all with you... xoxo

KAM said...

so much pure beauty in your words today. Soon, oh very soon you can fly on solid wings of the assurance that Poet is your forever child. I hold you in the light each day and feel the community of folks who are walking this journey with you in ever so much love. Kristin

Polly said...

Nadia...you have been so strong and so generous in your sharing to others about Poet's life with yours, it has been incrediable. My heart is with you, take your time and only tell others what you think fair. It is your life with K and Poet.
I feel so fortunate that I have been able to spend just a tiny part of that time in Italy with you...Thank you

Catherine Drea said...

How tender your words are. I would just trust your big heartedness, no matter what. Fingers crossed for you dear friend.

elicabeyta said...

Beautiful picture. I have nothing profound to write, just sending good thoughts.

dervla said...

she is yours, and i cannot wait until you tell us it is official. Breathe.

Deb said...

Sending the most positive of thoughts, it will all be well, the photo says it all. xx