no walls, fully believing.

i was going to write you today about the lines on my face and the weight on my hips, no courage to do so at this time, bleak.

Instead can i write you about how my heart keeps expanding so much so at times i am overtaken by tears, happy ones with grains of fear. Fear that i not only see the finish line but i feel it.   the last few weeks while i stare at Poet and whatever she is doing at the time, my mind wonders taking along with it my heart to the adoption day, the court room. Although i do not know how these things play out, i do not know who will be there and who will not but i imagine some sort of final word from the Judge making it clear we are now the legal parents to our daughter and as she finishes i clench Poet and K and Sob uncontrollably from happiness all the while letting go of the fear. This scenario has been playing in my head often as of late and when it does, i find myself sobbing and shaking.

I am not supposed to go there in my mind, heart  is not supposed to feel or experience this emotionally just yet, but it does.  there is no wall to protect me now, i am wide open ready, waiting, scared but fully believing.


* the state might make me take this photograph down, i understand.

Spring.

Spring is taking it's time to settle in, i am okay with that watching her ( spring) dance in slow motion
across the hill is beautiful.  I am taking a moment to sit at my desktop, it has been ages and little hands and feet hardly allow me the luxury but i needed to write this morning. Sitting up next to the window as the sun comes in on a cool spring morning.  The wind an overnight companion lingers on and i feel as if she is tapping on the window with two hands telling me something, but what?  I think if i was too be honest with myself she would  be saying, letting go now, right now.  i ignore the now part but slowly i can feel my hands go from a clenched fist to a more relaxed grip, small steps. I have always been a leaper, diving in blindly and full heartily but my heart now belongs to Poet and i must be careful more than care free.

I am in love with so much these days, music, words and beautiful written letters and emails from true friends, glimpses into their worlds and everyday. I am in love with what I see with my eyes, i can watch her my little being do most anything and it is poetry. I have stopped doing so many things i love, but slowly i begin to revisit  them.

I want to say, i love you dear reader,  one should hear those words more than once in a long while.