in the last few weeks, just beneath the surface of my skin, like what is happening underneath the layer of dirt, something in me is growing. Even though ice and worry keeps both the greens under my feet and the seed in me from breaking through completely, i begin to form. I have done things to sabotage myself for years, a protection, away of controlling the outcome even if it is failing. I have failed myself often, i give my all to other people- i love to see people sore, shone, fly and even though i have played the film inside the walls of my heart over and over again of actually trying to fly myself. I somehow never seem to put that much energy, encouragement, i just do not give myself what i need to succeed.
I am forming, i need to give myself the chance to fully bloom and all the risks that come with it will be no worse than not actually do it. Today i stared at the horse above and as a mix of wind and sun blew it's beautiful mane, i remember wanting to feel the wind in my hair, from somewhere high or breathing in moment that you know you made it happen.
So tonight i am writing myself a plan, steps, words, films and music anything i need to get my feet running. when the ice melts, i will be ready.
p.s. i am the happiest i have ever been,, having Poet in my life. all of me has gone into securing her future here on the hill and now recognizing that i depleted some parts of me that need to be refilled.