Friday, October 14

i was not magnificient


my dear readers today is the very last day of my thirties. i am spending it all to myself here on the hill- after having dropped off aran and her family at the airport. there is no other place i rather be right now. i have so much to tell and share but for a few weeks now i have written this post on the walls of my heart and mind. i would be lying if i did not tell you that i woke up a few month ago with strong fear of turning forty, although i have never been an ageist i could not help but feeling as if some how i was in the winter of my life. I am not of course i hope, but that has already been written and out of my control. my thirties have been full to rim with many things and yet at times my cupboard has been empty. as i was driving to the airport i whispered to myself, "nadia you were not magnificent" i believe this to be true somewhere at the end of this decade i gave up, hid and a creeping selfishness started to make it self at home in me. i also know that i have experienced, lived and embraced moments i will never forget, regret or deny. i have seen in me a youthfulness much younger than my years and have aged beyond them as well. i have cried tears for myself and so many for a world i could not control, protect, shelter and deliver my love too. i have used words i am not proud of and have written pages that have flowed from within me. i have suffered loss that has halted my life and lingered in it's pain for far too long. i have gained a family i only dreamt of having in fairy tales and they need me and i them. i have hurt and been hurt by the ones i love, yet i know now who i love and who loves me.i have been an aunt to incredible children and have had my life enriched a hundred times over from two very special ones. i have hiked some incredible places, been challenged, pushed and at times shoved. i have inhaled, witnessed and been captured by stunning views. i have shaken some bad habits only to have attached myself to others. i made real friends, life long ones and others i have lost. i still find myself struggling with distrust and i am unable to express to the ones i care about how lies of any kind hurt my heart- yet i have failed those same friends in not being able to directly approach them, but instead i spend my energy trying to express myself from every other angle. i have been at the height of my career and also i have tossed it away and wished for it back in a quiet whisper. i have discovered my passion for nature and it's incredible healing properties. my thirties has robbed me of things such as children yet has blessed me with health. yet i  know without  a shadow of a doubt i could have been better for dear friends and family i was not magnificent.


i am going to attempt something i have never managed to do, take a nap and in my own bed. i feel as if i want to awaken one last time in this decade. okay now i will brush my teeth, put some french anti aging cream and attempt what has been impossible with success:)!


OH well just received a call- i  must go to boston right away.....!( insert tears and laughters and a buh humbug)
*will have france pics soon,
*heading to montreal tomorrow!

28 comments:

Cannelle Et Vanille said...

I have a feeling forty will be better than any other decade for you. I know it.

Thank you again for your generosity Nadia. We loved our time there!

PS: we ate all the banana bread before we even went through security in Albany. Yum!

Sylvia said...

Oh, you are magnificent ...because you are unique ! Happy Birthday ! Believe that forty can be the new twenty :) Greetings from Canada !

Line said...

bonne fĂȘte Nadia 40 ans c'est magnifique!!

Caroline said...

Happy soon to be birthday!!!! And, you are in fact magnificent!!

meri said...

this is no misspelling: happi birfday dearest nadia. your words and pictures - they're all and a bit more.

Josephine said...

Nadia - you're leaving me in the thirties?! noooooo :) but seriously, you've really done so much. you're truly inspriing to me. i think the best is yet to come for you.

Rachel F said...

glad to know you are back -looking forward to future posts ( and some insight on how to find the archives?!)
I loved my 40's and truly believe life gets better, so please, do look forward to the next decade - every new day you can choose to be magnificent!( Although sometimes we learn by not being so)

S. Etole said...

The happiest of birthdays as you begin your 40's. Your beauty shines through at any age.

Rachel F said...

wonderful - the archives seem to have reappeared - thanks for that - i will spend much happy time looking at your beautiful blog!

Sweet Life Farm said...

I wish you a wonderfully happy birthday! I can relate to your post. I get the feeling you are magnificently human and absolutely lovely… May you find treasures in each new day as you journey into your forties. For me, it has been a gracious time of deepening, growth and simplifying. Enjoy!

the wild magnolia said...

Checking my Google Reader I checked in again. Thought I had already commented. Not so.

It is almost impossible for a woman to be non magnificent. She has to try.

Beauty pour from you in many talents. We all benefit. There is no one like you, we need your particular views of life, and creative ventures.

Happy Birthday. Your best, most confident years, are beginning now.

I'm 65 and I know. Enjoy. Jump in with both feet, be your own special self, don't allow anyone to hold you back. It's your turn.

kimberly said...

Girl, if I have EVER met someone who is magnificent, it is you. My time with you was nothing short of inspiring, and I came home with a whole new perspective on my path and where I hope it will lead me. Much of that was because of you - your wise words, your depth, your thoughtfulness. I am grateful for the time we had in France and hope that there will be more one day~
And, so far, for me, forty has ROCKED! You are going to blow forty away my friend~
xx

Lucia said...

We all are magnificient exactly because we aren't magnificient.

VSC said...

Round numbers seem to make us balancing up... I felt the same recently, when I entered in my thirties. But whatever you may say, at least upon the things I can read in your wonderful blog, I can't help feeling that, indeed, you were, are, and will be magnificent. Happy special day.

Blue and the Girl said...

Thank you for the raw strength of your honesty - you have described a decade well and truly Lived!! I wish you just as much life and learning in the following one.
Not magnificent.... perhaps. Alive with it - certainly!

PK Studios said...

Happy Birthday! I remember when I turned 30, I thought my life was over. It was truly only beginning. When I turned 40, I left a pretty good but not great decade behind me, now I'm forty five and just getting into my groove!! Have heart...you're talented and beautiful.... as long as your true to your heart and in the moment and have an awesome dreamy vision for your future, know it WILL be : )

i flit, i float, i fly said...

well, I thought you were/are quite magnificent. I was so happy to meet you at the workshop. I hope you had a fabulous birthday! I was not excited to turn 40 at all, but I have to say, it's been very good. I think it just keeps getting better, too. xo

Janet said...

I turn 40 in just two short months, and absolutely feel what you say. Such a mix of emotions. But I also know that I enter this new decade knowing myself better than I ever have. What great satisfaction there is in that. Happy birthday. I suspect the best is yet to come for you!

Alexia @ NamasteYoga said...

i just found your blog and love your photos! Wish you a wonderful birthday and hope to read (and see) more from you soon!

las tardes de Ana said...

Although I think 40 is just a number, for me it is working better than my 30s (I am just 41). 30s are like fast, fast, fast, but in your 40s you know where you are and who you are, what you want and what is important and what is not. And don’t forget the most important thing, you are still alive. Nice blogg by the way.

Jane Flanagan said...

This post is incredible. I nodded and held your hand in my mind as I read it. And, of course, I think you're not giving yourself credit because from where I'm sitting there is much magnificence. And there will only be more and it will be even more magnificent too.

Cindy said...

happy birthday, nadia - age is just a number!

david said...

happy happy birthday. i am in love with your words.

Ann Marie said...

happy birthday dear nadia. your words are always so real and beautiful...you are a true woman indeed. you give us so much.

Valeria said...

happy BDay, even if late, Nadia. I read your blog and love your images, they help me remembering the two amazing months I spent in Vermont last spring, and much more. Today I turn 24 and I have your same fears --I am damn scared I will never be magnificent. But I will try to do my best, to fall and to restart. Life is worth living for everything that might happen, young or old. Have an happy one.
baci

steph brubaker said...

Happy, happy birthday to you my friend. I love October birthdays. It's a magnificent month in which to be born; which brings me to my next thought...that I am grateful you were born and came to this earth to spread goodness to us all. We are all lucky to know you sweet Nadia!

xo

Natasha said...

I have tears as i'm reading this.. Happy birthday dear Nadia. You are authentic and honest and beautiful.
Natasha
xx

La Tartine Gourmande said...

Happy Birthday Libra girl. Forty will be magnificent, just as you are and feel it. With good and not as good days. But always new discoveries and assertiveness about what matters. In a beautiful sort of way.

My father is a libra--and actually I am a libra ascendent. Libra is a well-balanced sign, oui?