my dear readers today is the very last day of my thirties. i am spending it all to myself here on the hill- after having dropped off aran and her family at the airport. there is no other place i rather be right now. i have so much to tell and share but for a few weeks now i have written this post on the walls of my heart and mind. i would be lying if i did not tell you that i woke up a few month ago with strong fear of turning forty, although i have never been an ageist i could not help but feeling as if some how i was in the winter of my life. I am not of course i hope, but that has already been written and out of my control. my thirties have been full to rim with many things and yet at times my cupboard has been empty. as i was driving to the airport i whispered to myself, "nadia you were not magnificent" i believe this to be true somewhere at the end of this decade i gave up, hid and a creeping selfishness started to make it self at home in me. i also know that i have experienced, lived and embraced moments i will never forget, regret or deny. i have seen in me a youthfulness much younger than my years and have aged beyond them as well. i have cried tears for myself and so many for a world i could not control, protect, shelter and deliver my love too. i have used words i am not proud of and have written pages that have flowed from within me. i have suffered loss that has halted my life and lingered in it's pain for far too long. i have gained a family i only dreamt of having in fairy tales and they need me and i them. i have hurt and been hurt by the ones i love, yet i know now who i love and who loves me.i have been an aunt to incredible children and have had my life enriched a hundred times over from two very special ones. i have hiked some incredible places, been challenged, pushed and at times shoved. i have inhaled, witnessed and been captured by stunning views. i have shaken some bad habits only to have attached myself to others. i made real friends, life long ones and others i have lost. i still find myself struggling with distrust and i am unable to express to the ones i care about how lies of any kind hurt my heart- yet i have failed those same friends in not being able to directly approach them, but instead i spend my energy trying to express myself from every other angle. i have been at the height of my career and also i have tossed it away and wished for it back in a quiet whisper. i have discovered my passion for nature and it's incredible healing properties. my thirties has robbed me of things such as children yet has blessed me with health. yet i know without a shadow of a doubt i could have been better for dear friends and family i was not magnificent.
i am going to attempt something i have never managed to do, take a nap and in my own bed. i feel as if i want to awaken one last time in this decade. okay now i will brush my teeth, put some french anti aging cream and attempt what has been impossible with success:)!
OH well just received a call- i must go to boston right away.....!( insert tears and laughters and a buh humbug)
*will have france pics soon,
*heading to montreal tomorrow!