American Winter ( a call for help)

Dearest Friends, I have something to ask or perhaps something that needs sharing. It has been a year that i have been on the hill and not one day goes by  that i do not feel like the luckiest person for being able to live my dream. I have spoken to you that sometimes living a dream requires sacrifice but these sacrifices have been chosen by myself and k. What if the world made those decisions for you, what happens if you have done everything right or if you had made decisions that you thought were for the best. what happens if the consequences where that your children would go to sleep cold, that dinners would never be cooked, warm or hot. what happens if the garden you spent many summers tending too and the paint color you chose and the welcoming mat at the front door would no longer be yours after years of putting money into it, working hard in making your house a home.

we are all witnesses too, or in the path of financial fragility to some everything they have is being taken away, dogs left behind, mothers and fathers feeling as if they have failed their children and all because they believed in american dream. I live in this beautiful house on a hill that was built by a very talented visionary and now this man along with his brother have decided to tell a story of those who are not so lucky. The Gantz brothers have put in many, many hours to tell this story, an accumulation of many american families. I am asking and it is hard to ask yet when i look at what it is for, i know i must. Can you help  this documentary that is almost at it's tail end of production, can you help make sure it gets seen and heard. I need you to know you can give as little as one dollar and yes of course that makes a difference, or as much as you are able too,  or you can spread the word around via any social media.

dear friends let's all help tell this story, because it is story that belongs to our neighbors, family, friends, co workers and could easily one day be ours.

Please go here to see Trailer and contribute to  AMERICAN WINTER.

i thank you for any attentions that you can bring to this cause.

one hour or so

through  my window i have watched rain fall, the rain has the way of making everything more lush like a oil painting that is still wet. i have been so reflective, cautious even with thought as if to much could create in unbalance a need for something i can not obtain just yet. in the morning i come down my stairs leaving behind two dogs that lay quietly in my bed as i turn around to close the door, i look at the bed with the two giant beast in it and i wonder where exactly did i sleep.  i walk pass cats as they chase each other and make my way to the kettle, i fill it and wait till i can hear the steam come out leaving it there a little longer than necessary. i take my cup drop a spoon of turmeric, cut, squeeze a half a lemon, grate some ginger and drop some honey as i stir it i am lost in it's vibrant yellow color. as i sit at the kitchen table facing the mountains. a bird i want to say it is the same one as all the other mornings. he sings but the odd thing about it is he sings towards the window and not out to the hills staring right at me and he does it all morning long, although today he has cut his act short for the wind and the rain our pounding hard and i can feel drafts all over the house.

there is something new now, i have learned to give myself an hour or so before animal care and chores begin.  i no longer jump out of bed straight into my muck boots tying up dogs and opening for chickens and ducks and throwing hay for horses, i no longer start my day worrying about them till night fall when i tuck them in. i simply take time for  myself and you know what everything is okay and taking time for myself does not take it away from them or my love for them and that my dear readers is really big step in my life.

when rain stops for a moment to see the blossoms

Dear friends, i did not think i would post today. rain has fallen all week long but a few moments ago it stopped and the cold air changed into a warm balmy one. i went outside to spray the horses against the bugs and as i walked in long grass and flowering weeds ( how quick fields grow) i spotted  the apple and pear trees blossoming. the big orchard will soon follow and this weekend between the opening of the brattleboro outdoor market, the nicest market to go to as you drive through the green mountains and the flowering trees, i suspect i will be taking many photographs to share. yet i find myself posting a few  i just took because it the best way i know how to wish you a happy weekend.

Oh although i have not spoken about this yet and hope too real soon on La Porte Rouge but last week the hill was busy with  the making of the video for Aran's book trailer  with the talented Ryan Marshall you can see some of my photographs along with hers here.

happy weekend dear readers

the ghosts on the hill

i am writing to you and i feel as if there is so much to tell you. I am hoping you are well and that you are catching moments of quiet happiness. as i write you i feel exhausted but the good kind, the kind that has your heart full. it has been a strange road the positive things have have left the bad behind. honestly i feel as if the clouds opened up and dropped pixie dust on me ( i have never written pixie dust before) but it is true. the kind acts that have come my way as of late are beyond my imagination. aran has replaced my broken computer with one of her own and when i received it , i kept saying is this really happening ( aran, thank you). then finding out that another gift is on it's way. i am overwhelmed and find myself wanting to invite the whole world to sit under that magical cloud.

Last weekend as the grass began growing under a warmer sun and rain, i knew it was time to spread out the pasture, k and i worked hard and as we did the rain came. i am always working on fences in the rain and maybe that is the way it will always be. i was wet and cold,  the fog was coming in and  out as if it was playing the part of waves on the sea shore. i grabbed my camera and headed down the dirt driveway to capture what i could.  my arms were heavy, elbow throbbing, clothing wet was strangely making me feel wakened.  the seams between myself and nature were sewn and i was reminded how when the body works hard the mind can have a renewed clarity. later on when k came back and joined me on the hill we stood in the grays of a day drenched in rain, the wind would blow the fog towards us and then through us and for a while it was as if we both quietly transformed into ghost.

* thank you aran for such a kind act.
*kim thank you for the first photo is one of my favorites i have ever taken 

the sounds across the lake

a few sunday evenings ago i found myself laying in bed, k. laying next to me, he would be spending monday on the hill a rare day off so i turned to him and said "can we go to the green mountains if there is fog in the early morning?" i woke up that morning, ran to the window and like i had hoped the rain and the warmth of the earth created a perfect foggy morning. we made our coffees filled are carafes and headed out.  the green mountains begins twenty minutes from our home. we drove, stared out the window, as we often do in the mountains we talked about hikes we had experienced, mountains we still had to visit.  memories flooded back of the the quiet times we spent away from it all. then there it was, a lake with fog that gently began to lift. we hopped out of the car and took it all in. so needed, so desired, tears formed for across the lake through thick fog i could hear the sounds of children, they were talking to their parents. although i could not see them, i imagined big mugs of  cocoa and tea, warm blankets caped over their shoulders and resting on their laps as they sat on rocks or adirondack chairs staring out  at the lake through the fog. all of this filled me with peace and longing i left there feeling hopeful and renewed.

the montreal i used to know ( the geraniums at the window)

 when i was younger i moved to old montreal into my first loft. at the time there was hardly anything in town, just empty buildings, cobble stone streets  an obscure Jazz place " air du temps"  and a few restaurants in the center. my  loft was housed in a run down building, first floor belonged to  sculptors, second floor chefs, third  floor painters, fourth photographers and fifth musicians, i lived on the fourth but i could have lived on the fifth too for i made  money to buy film by playing drums in the subway , yes i did but to hear me play today you might say that people dropped coins in my hat out of pity.

on my last trip i started noticing a shadow of myself walking along side of me, whispering about the montreal i used to know. the quiet winter walks along the side walk edge. the greys, the weathered doors and handles and dirty french panes. so much has changed now, every building converted too condo's restaurants and shops. only those with a certain income can live there now and i am not sure if  it ever gets as quiet as i remember but just for a moment i heard the sounds and saw scenes from a place i used to know, just for moment i saw a reflection through the geraniums covered glass of the  person i used  to be and a place that helped shaped who i am today.

beyond the shop window

last weekend i took a blogger friend that was visiting for the week to montreal. What was so different about this visit to montreal is that it was purely for site seeing, browsing and eating. not seeing my family while i was there was difficult, but i must say the places we visited had great feel to them and quickly became part of a "must visit again list".  we rented a flat from Air b&b and it was perfect, the view of the montreal skyline was dreamy and the gourmet shop under it was brilliant. while Josephine shopped ( a lot :)) i took pictures, there was mi & co on Laurier  a clothing shop,  what caught my eye was the cafe at the back of the shop, many montreal boutiques house espresso & tea bars this shop included a light fare menu. the girl that worked the cafe quickly caught my eye, adorable was she.

a little later we walked into citizen vintage on rue st-laurent, a beautiful array of florals and plaid filled  the shop. one of the lovely owners wore a flowerary dress and others hung beautifully from racks, josephine even found one that fit her perfectly. i liked this minimilast approach to the shop.

We stopped many times through out the day at different cafes, i had my share of mochas best three where at Olivier Poitier, Olive et Gourmando and the Le Petit Hotel. that evening we returned to la rue Laurier fro dinner at Lameac , it was bustling there after ten menu was exceptional and reasonable, i had the grilled calamari tossed with zucchini and onions with a delicate sauce and a Saumon Pot de feu, a poached salmon in a delicate broth with turnips carrots and brussel sprouts leaves i am still thinking about it. Sunday morning we strolled after the most incredible brunch at  Le Cartet.

more from mtl soon. ( broken computer, it was time. although i now realize i bought my camera, computer and car all the same year and all have chosen 2012 to say goodbye, but i am lucky that they have seen as much as i)

(the hill is almost all green, i have been working hard all week mostly clearing. the next few days the sun and warmth will make working outdoors a joy.)

the kindness that is Kimberly

i have been gone for longer than i expected and for reason i wish were not what they were. i suspect i will even take much more time before i am back for good, but i had to share something good, something real and something that is pure and kind and that is how  these pictures above are possible.

a few weeks ago after working really hard for far to many hours on a project that seemed to never end i received a dm on twitter from a new friend. ' can you call me" that request came from Kimberly whom attended the Dordogne workshop last year. In Dordogne i quickly recognized how caring she was, looking after those who needed her, checking on the other attendees giving good advice for those who seek it. i have spoken in the past about what an incredible group of women i had met and that did not end there. she would always leave the kindest comments and even sent me a gorgeous prepared package with notes like " i thought about you when i came across this" later on still she asked if she could use some of my photographs for a post she was writing only to discover that it was on her creative crush and that happened to be me, feeling honoured by the words and that i in someway made her day with my posts touched me deeply. so i dialled the numbers she left for me and said hello as we talked she said that she wanted to gift me a camera, that she knew that the camera was meant for me" she said many things,  selfless things and i was so humbled by them. truth is there was some crying on my behalf for i could not understand why she wanted to do this for me and wondered if i was deserving of such selfless act. i cried some more and spent the weekend wondering how i could accept but you see Kimberly spirit is like a warm fire she makes you  feel warm and safe and while she explains why she wants to do this incredibly generous thing you cant help but know how lucky you are to have someone such as she saying these things to you.

I accepted and a few days later came not one but two boxes of sweetness( i will explain the second box soon). the camera is so special, i mean the coolest thing ever. it is a whole new way of shooting and i spent a lot of time hoping i would do it justice. the camera she came at the most perfect time, as my heart was breaking for personal loss i did not feel alone and took my camera for a ride on rainy sunday down dirt roads, green hills and pastures and she, my new camera was kind to me slowly teaching me to see things differently, letting me learn her slowly but promising with time i would get to photograph the way i loved too. dear readers she sees things in a different light, i do hope you get used to her like i am, i think  once i understand her fully we can possibly make magic.

to say that an hour goes by that i do not think about Kimberly's act of kindness would be a lie, to say i do not know how i will ever thank her is the truth for how does one tell someone so full of loveliness and selflessness  that her act of kindness has affected your life for good in a very special way.

i know that this post my not be well written, but see tears did fall while writing this post for even though i write what has happened, i am still wondering if i am deserving of this.

kimberly i know you would say i have thanked you many times but i know it is not nearly enough so please know that every time you see a a butterfly, a twinkling star, a moss covered rock, a feather in the wind that in it you can find a whispered thank you from the bottom of my heart
yet even all those thank yous will never be enough.

taking a time

dear friends, i am hoping you had a lovely weekend. I spent mine in montreal and i had a good time.
I am on the hill and a cold air brought some snow flakes, nothing will land but it is odd by tonight it will be seventy degrees colder than just a few days ago. I am very okay with that since, i always felt  like i could use a little more winter.

I am going to have to take time away from the blog. I have a few personal matters that need attention, yet my biggest reason is the fact that i simply have spent to much time on the machine as of late. I have wanted to sit with a pen and paper and finish letters to send with packages for to long now that i must make it a priority. i have been thinking a lot and many of these thoughts are brand new and others were of the me i had forgotten about, both those things have made me happy and hopeful. i also came across this short video on vibeke beautiful blog and found myself in tears, it made me want to understand the reason why i reacted to it so powerfully. some wonderful acts of kindness have been happening to me as well and i found myself feeling anxious  what is it in me that deserves this and what in me feels like i dont. so you see lots of thinking.

also do you remember that fall i took a few months ago were i made myself my own sling to hold my elbow, well it turns out that i did damage it pretty bad and i need to have it fixed. being here on the farm trying to do the things i need to do with one arm was not an option but now i realize that i might have made a mistake in waiting so i am hoping to do all  the things require two arms in the few days before heading to dr. to have it taken care of.

i have done a lot of driving in the last few weeks and just in the last thirty six hours. i like being in the car
and call it my think tank and i am glad that i had some space away form internet, telephone and other machine distractions that i just want to take a little more time. i started to think where do people get their alone time. i never see anyone walking without looking down at their phone, or dinning without it, it seems like we have forgot to be comfortable with silence, i was guilty with that these past weeks( i have no cell phone-i know shocking) but i very much was  connected to the internet, perhaps not having my camera made me more depended on the net or simply i had forgotten how beautiful it was to be alone with my own thoughts.

see you around the first week of april and please know how grateful i am that you visit me.