the breakfast table

the sun was bright and warm and the kitchen table was covered with my favorite jams. i never know what kind i want on my toast untill i have sat down and sipped my first taste of mocha..breakfast it has only taken me thirty seven years to finally like you...

what do you like for breakfast?

so it is

the weather was a mix of warm tropical air, extreem winds and rain. the rain soaked me in seconds and blew things all about, but this storm has also waken something in me that i think layed dormant. i am not sure and i am going to wait to see. I like the mixture of all these elements. are you hibernating?

a midwinter walk

I have been away from here for a while. I am sorry for not letting you guys know. I was unispired and our life is being disrupted a little. today i knew we had to get out and do the thing that always brings us happiness, fills our lungs with the freshest air and clears our heads like nothing else. K. took me for a small hike and walk by the river. it was beautiful exactly what all four( the dogs) of us needed! the weather has not been winter like and the sun is bright. tomorrow promises to be even nicer, so will we find ourselves on another path. K. has started a fire and an impromptu dinner party( potluck thank goodness) will take place in an hour! hope you are good!

ps. thank you dear friends for all your emails, i am here just a little quiet.

the curtain

i could not let it go. it was calling me. it was not just the the old window, the dusty lace curtain or the red ribbon that tied it. it was the light asking me to look, so i did. first i noticed the reflection on the wall, then red ribbon, the lace curtain, the dusty window. i walked towards the window as if it was waiting to tell me the story of the last three hundred years.

happy birthday sis and eggs

my sister is celebrating her birthday today! i am so glad you are okay, so glad that medical miracles happen everyday. may this year be extra special full of strength, health and inspiration.

I never liked eggs before, they were never my favorite. i soon realized i had not tasted a real good egg. now that we get them right from the pasture fed, free range chickens a few houses down, i now understand the meaning of a good egg. truth is i can not get enough!

you are the "bestess" ever

I would like to say thank you for your well wishes for Tolstoy. The Vets came on from Tufts University large animal medical hospital and yes he did colic. I must say I was not too brave watching all the procedures, but i am extreemely grateful for all that they did. He is much much better, if he is like this tomorrow than he is officialy out of the woods!!!!

Your words and the kindness behind them has filled my heart with pride for i know without a doubt i have the best readers/friends that any person can ask for!

Tolstoy, k and i thank you so much!!

tolstoy is my love

tolstoy my giant beautiful horse is not well. the last few nights have been difficult for him. did i tell you we rescued him from slaughter "the meat guy" he was in very poor condition but the good people at penn state medical school took care of him and neer the rescue organization brought him to me. he made my dream come true, the one of owning my own horse. he fills my days with wonder and he inspires me. to see such a large beautiful animal in pain is unbearable to watch. he has had two rough nights but good days. we treated has if it was colic, all the signs where pointing to that, but that he went through it two nights in a row sends a different red flag. for those who do not know colic is the number one killer of horses, it is where their is a blockage and a belly ache and their stomach ends up turning. I am worried, i am not built for this, never was. k and i had to go through cancer with our two golden retrieves and loose them three months apart just a little while ago which really caused so much pain that my life changed drastically. I am hoping tolsoy is different, i am hoping he is the only horse that simply has a stomach ache that will go away, that maybe he was mad that i left for a little while or maybe that i fed everyone before him the last two nights. ironically what he is experiencing is what my sister spent weeks at the hospital for, is that odd?

dear friends, it seems that i am always asking for your prayers, please forgive me if this post is a mess my tears have taken over.

ps. dear higher being enough is enough please

the silence of winter

k.

today catching the end of sense and sensibility i heard this phrase "i could never be with anyone else because my heart has always been yours" a few days ago while at my mothers house in montreal i was organizing things in the basement when i came across pictures and letters from my past. i spotted one written by k. written at a time of uncertainty, a time when "i needed to find myself" he wrote me a letter telling me; he would wait, not to give up hope, that he would take care of me and that his heart would always belong to me and that he loved me completely.

he has shown me in actions this everyday and i know how lucky i am that he never gave up on me and how wonderful it is to have my heart filled with his love and my love for him.

*heard this song "just breathe" eddy vedder on my drive.

driving home

i am home. i had been away in montreal spending sometime with my sister ( who is doing great). i have so many thoughts spinning through my head, it is not as if i had no thoughts but more so no time to really think about it. I have decided to create a new new years day, january 11, 2010 see i have not really come up with a plan for this upcoming year and not had to much time to reflect on the one that came to an end. all i have so far is i want to dance more in my living room? but it does not seem to carry much weight in the large sceam of things.

can i confess something to you and perhaps i have said this in certain ways before. there is almost nothing that brings me as much peace as driving long distance. some how the time spent on my own, dogs laying sweetly in the back feels like the safest place on earth. no door bells, phones, no emergencies, dishes, procrastination, just me and my thoughts. i can do nothing more than have my foot on the gas, a mocha in my cup holder, an audio or npr playing to the background of my thoughts. it is a drive that clears my head, with every mile a chapter of my past gets revisited some of it becoming clearer to me now than when lived. it is also a time where i plant little seeds of dreams to be explored.