tolstoy is my love

tolstoy my giant beautiful horse is not well. the last few nights have been difficult for him. did i tell you we rescued him from slaughter "the meat guy" he was in very poor condition but the good people at penn state medical school took care of him and neer the rescue organization brought him to me. he made my dream come true, the one of owning my own horse. he fills my days with wonder and he inspires me. to see such a large beautiful animal in pain is unbearable to watch. he has had two rough nights but good days. we treated has if it was colic, all the signs where pointing to that, but that he went through it two nights in a row sends a different red flag. for those who do not know colic is the number one killer of horses, it is where their is a blockage and a belly ache and their stomach ends up turning. I am worried, i am not built for this, never was. k and i had to go through cancer with our two golden retrieves and loose them three months apart just a little while ago which really caused so much pain that my life changed drastically. I am hoping tolsoy is different, i am hoping he is the only horse that simply has a stomach ache that will go away, that maybe he was mad that i left for a little while or maybe that i fed everyone before him the last two nights. ironically what he is experiencing is what my sister spent weeks at the hospital for, is that odd?

dear friends, it seems that i am always asking for your prayers, please forgive me if this post is a mess my tears have taken over.

ps. dear higher being enough is enough please

the silence of winter

k.

today catching the end of sense and sensibility i heard this phrase "i could never be with anyone else because my heart has always been yours" a few days ago while at my mothers house in montreal i was organizing things in the basement when i came across pictures and letters from my past. i spotted one written by k. written at a time of uncertainty, a time when "i needed to find myself" he wrote me a letter telling me; he would wait, not to give up hope, that he would take care of me and that his heart would always belong to me and that he loved me completely.

he has shown me in actions this everyday and i know how lucky i am that he never gave up on me and how wonderful it is to have my heart filled with his love and my love for him.

*heard this song "just breathe" eddy vedder on my drive.

driving home

i am home. i had been away in montreal spending sometime with my sister ( who is doing great). i have so many thoughts spinning through my head, it is not as if i had no thoughts but more so no time to really think about it. I have decided to create a new new years day, january 11, 2010 see i have not really come up with a plan for this upcoming year and not had to much time to reflect on the one that came to an end. all i have so far is i want to dance more in my living room? but it does not seem to carry much weight in the large sceam of things.

can i confess something to you and perhaps i have said this in certain ways before. there is almost nothing that brings me as much peace as driving long distance. some how the time spent on my own, dogs laying sweetly in the back feels like the safest place on earth. no door bells, phones, no emergencies, dishes, procrastination, just me and my thoughts. i can do nothing more than have my foot on the gas, a mocha in my cup holder, an audio or npr playing to the background of my thoughts. it is a drive that clears my head, with every mile a chapter of my past gets revisited some of it becoming clearer to me now than when lived. it is also a time where i plant little seeds of dreams to be explored.

goodbye hello and everything in between

this year has been one of many changes. from the city, to the tent on the beach and now the farm. i know major changes are coming once again. there is so many things i am grateful for. so many experiences, many quiet moments and the many stressful ones. I have things i want to do, challenges i must finally conquer. i need to be a better person to the ones who need it the most and spend less time giving myself to those who are unkind. my sister has reminded me how important it is to be good to my body and this year i would like to find the balance. I need start to except more projects that come my way and get back to the mountains that k and i love so much. I am grateful for so much and as i flip through the many post of 2009 i see just how lucky i have been and how wonderful it is to have met good people through this medium. I thank you for that.

may 2010 be one of happiness and health dear friends.

elle at the farm

elle is here at the farm. phrases like " auntie am i almost a farmer like you" and " can we go for a walk and see the horses" come out of her mouth and make it to my ears like the sweetest melodies. like in all things elle is a natural and the horses are so drawn to her . she is right in there doing it right even showing her brother the way to do things around here. the weather today went from a mild and grey morning, to a heavy snow, then the sun came out as big flakes fell and the mix of all of it with elle was just too beautiful!

sunday rest

i think i waited for this day most of all. the kind of day that you stay in, wearing cozy sweaters and pj bottoms. you sit at the table and fill your bellies with jam, toast, eggs, mochas and so on. then you wipe the table and set the monopoly game. maybe later a movie cuddled on the couch with your favorite blanket, the fridge is bursting with food so no need for cooking-just warming. later still another game or craft while sipping hot cocoa and sitting by the fire.

this is the day i would hang a do not disturb sign at the end of my driveway, where the phone will be silences except for when we call the one's we love far away. but you are welcome to come as long as your not wearing anything too fancy you do not talk about malls and you do not mind belly laughs and afternoon naps!

enjoy your sunday dear friends. it is mild here and pouring and the snow is melting fast and that is all happening outside but that is okay because we are going no where and that makes me very happy.

family miracle!

dear friends. while we were driving from vermont unbeknown to us my sister in montreal had taken a turn for the worst and was rushed to the operating room, it was not going to be good, the news was grim, the operation was severe but then there was a miracle at the end of the surgery!!!! her recovery will be long, the next few days critical. . Our family is so grateful for this wonderful gift!

dear friends we wish you and the people you love warmth, happiness and most of all health! happy holidays-merry christmas!

home and away

I am in vermont waiting for the arrival of my mum, dylan and elle. I arrived way ahead of schedule after a smooth drive. walked the dogs around the darmouth campus and now i sit at a cafe before attempting some lite christmas shopping. I have not left the farm in so long, i am a bit nervous about the animals being there alone, but i do have someone coming for afternoon feeding. in a conversation with my sister yesterday she told me that i was funny, that when she reads the blog and i name mike. tolstoy, clarabelle, isabelle and so on it is as if i am talking about friends, oh dear readers i feel as if i am( i am nutty)

my sister gave us the biggest scare and the realization on how quickly things can change. she is doing better and might be home soon. i was truly terrified. her and i discussed changes we want to make, the promise to get healthy to get rid of the things that can contribute to stress that can cause illness. i also realized how little i had spoken to her these last months and how not often enough i told her i loved her and i also understood that there is many very important people in my life that i had not shared these words with. what better time to be given awakening such as now.

I am happy that the kids are coming to the farm and look forward to seeing it through their eyes and hope to share our time with you. i will post tomorrow or christmas day because i enjoy it.

the winter sun

thank you for your kind wishes, we know nothing yet.

*took these pictures outside my front door at sun set, thought they were perfect on this day of winter soltice

sunday storm

there is big storm that makes things wonderful outside. the fidgid cold weather has left us. we picked the most glorious tree yesterday she is about six feet wide blue pine and she is making the house smell beautiful. tolstoy and pepper are still in their stalls waiting for the wind to die down but soon tolstoy will be rolling in the white fluffy flakes.

the thing that is most on our minds today is my sister, i wish i was her and wondered dear readers if you have any extra wishes can you lend us one or two as she will most likely be heading into surgery today. my sister and i goof on each other so much that very rarely the words i love you come out. i love you little sister and know that things will be okay!

*i know it odd for me to post this but i believe in the power of positive thinking and you my readers have the best energy and i always feel it. thank you!