fog and fire.

it is early sunday morning and the sun begins to rise and i again wake feeling lucky but also a little fragile yet calm. i learned a few things this weekend about myself that were pieced together with thought, a listening ear and a friend speaking the same native tongue, perhaps i have known those things before but i again wanted to make them clear to myself. i believe i can change so much of  me but what i am realizing is that somehow how i have not been given the same tool box of emotions, coping and know how as others around me have and that makes some of my being feeling as if i will always be a certain way. I am not sure if  i am sad about it, i do not think i am except when i accidentally get lost in my own fog or when i set fire to my insides which i work so hard to not let that happen even though as i am writing you i hardly am thinking of it at all, while forgetting that certain things are not for me.  if i stay quiet enough i can see i have everything i want  need and that is not worth trading what is needed for what is wanted specially when i do not think i could possibly begin to articulate what that would be, although this song that i borrowed from says it perfectly.

the valley below

i am working inside the house, i am cold but i know that the house is warm between the mild weather and the fire burning i can tell  my core tempertaure is off i do not mind it since  it keeps me moving. the light is also unusual as well and i should pick up the camera but for some reason i stare at it instead.

the last few days have been one of returning to home not so much the physical home but the one within me.  i have done this by listening to a lot of music and reading some passages and also by taking an early morning walk or two but most of all by letting thoughts swirl and fall away more easily than i have been able to let go of them in the past. sometimes when i think of writing to you i want to list all my dreams, hopes and desires but lately i have realized what i want to do more than anything is describe the feelings i want to feel, like how one would describe the afternoon sun hitting a dusty window pane and the warm glow that comes from it or how the fog makes everything surreal as it's mist gently touches your face.

I am not numb, i say this because i think i must have been for a while, a long one even. yet i  also have a feeling of being one of a blank canvas with only slight brushes strokes just waiting to take shape.

the other morning on my way to montreal i came across this valley right down below form my home, i stood there for a long while, then i shot, the images are not what i hoped them to be but the feeling remains.

the abandoned house that lives.

i was going to write you about what i have been thinking but instead i will start with what i have felt today; the warmth of the sun as it came into the house, a beautiful heart ache at the discovery of a new song found in my inbox, how the wind blew my hair around as the brightness reflecting of the corn fields hit my eyes or maybe how frustration and tears travelled through the receiver of the telephone, how my body moved as i rode in a large tractor down fields of corn or how the soft black velvet fur that is Tolstoy's shined in the autumn sun and how the hill makes me happy.

 but i have been thinking, as i put these images together about what we abandon, what we forget, leave behind or give away. today i thought about my red piano and how i left it and how right now more than anything i want to find it here in my house, walk to it and rest my tea cup where the water stain already exist, i want my bare feet on the cold soft metal of the foot and hear the first few notes even if out of tune.  i want my finger to fall, fall again over that one key that brings them all back, the memories of all i have left behind. i do not know what makes us cross the line from wanting it too leaving it behind. i suppose knowing that we always have our thoughts to take us back there to when they were in our lives makes the leaving behind easier... this song today reminds me of my red piano


 the abandoned house above had more life in it than i could possible explain, i tried to take it all in but there was melancholy for i felt that it still wanted to be part and witness to ours, to have someone love it and want to clean it and cook in it and sit by the window, to have people make love in it's bedrooms and bathe in it's tub. i am not sure but i think i found a kinship with that house not some deep metaphor on how i have been abandoned but instead in the fact that within the walls of my heart and mind i too have hung and gathered a collection beautiful and living things.

*( the day that i visited this house was magical, a birthday gift from john and shared with my dear friend kim) pictures are with iphone, ran out of battery, but hope to head back shortly)

oh, just realized that my header is my red piano, there is my red piano- that was most unexpected heart string pull......

montreal

in a few short hours i will be heading to montreal again. I picked up the loveliest of house sitters a little while ago, i am lucky to have found such good people.  i took the photograph above with my iphone while mist and fog began to fall last weekend in old montreal. this weekend i must do a few things and other things i will leave to chance. most of all i want to walk, sip good coffee and if possible let go of a few things. last weekend it was such a wonderful end of a birthday year and the beginning of another, instead of feeling older i felt younger.  i shared this time with my dear friend kimberly, i think there just some people who you are meant to meet and share time with who make you feel whole. i laughed and laughed, she said to me on our return to the hill i did not know the side of you who dances in the hotel room and sings and laughs, i know what she meant, i have been so still & quiet which is me as well  but the person she saw last weekend that is the me that no longer felt in the shadows but instead a sense of freedom like a bird in the sky falling and floating,  a feeling that had escaped for too long.

a little of my time in switzerland

Dearest friends that i am sitting on the hill at my farm table with the sun shining through the windows is  mind boggling hence i have not been at this position for almost a full month. I have been away for so long but as i have said such a large piece of my heart and mind has been here on the hill the whole time.

I have just spent one the most rewarding weeks in a long time with my dear friend kimberly and although what i want to do more than anything is tell you about it, i think it would be best to start of with other incredible moments from my work and holiday trip to europe. after looking through only half of photographs i have taken in the last month, it has become clear i must just jump right into. i do apologize for i might end up mixing a few images from on day to the next but i will keep them from the same country at least:)

the photographs above are from my time in switzerland with my friend Juliana. I have to say that i was so drawn to the rural part of switzerland. we walked along a path around a lake and on farm land. it rained, mist and fog made me feel at home oh and the cows ( more one them soon). Juliana was so welcoming, i was spoiled by home cooked meals and when you are on your own like i am and are the only cook in the family it is very rare to sit down at a table and eat something that was made by others.  Juliana is a wonderful cook, while she cooked i highjacked her dinning table and opened so many of her cook books from her incredible collection and with pen and paper found myself writing recipes i wanted to try on the hill. Andi her husband would harvest a lettuce from their beautiful garden and prepare the most simple of salads dressed with a delicate and beautiful dressing. All of the things i ate, like the incredible lentil soup, walnut cake and tagine will be repeated here in my own kitchen and i am sure it will bring back such nice memories of my time with the lovely juliana & andy in their home.

More from switzerland soon, it is good to be back and be able to share with you moments from my travel.

behind the shutter doors, hudson, ny

hello there,  i am back on the hill after arriving late last night. oh it is so beautiful here and autumn is in it's full glory. my heart is over flowing with gratitude for the love and care given to the animals while i was away, thank you  so much sara for spending the first week and marina and regina the second there is no better welcome home than to know that the animals are healthy and were showered with love.

dear readers i will share my photographs of my europe trip soon but while i was away i found myself reflecting on what is important, true moments of pure goodness versus fluff. i started to the think back to one sunday when k, elle and i took a drive to hudson, ny.  rain fell gently so we tucked into my favorite cafe swallow. elle and k put numbers in my iphone while i sipped and looked around. there was this beautiful woman dressed in a vintage yellow skirt, with firey red hair moments later her stylist came in ( yes, i tiny bit famous) i chatted a took pics. we stopped into a shop and bought the  most delicious and expensive peaches and ate them as we strolled down main street, we bumped into a farmer and bought beautiful fresh produce. then we made our way to a bakery and bought a baguette before settling down and having the best grilled pizza all while chatting, laughing while exchanging stories. on the way back to the car i saw these weathered shutter doors with a chain on it, one of the lattices had fallen and i peeked inside, what i found was the most beautiful wild ivy garden, tucked away between two brick buildings, so lovely. we drove back along the hudson river which is one of the most beautiful drives. it was a a great day and i found myself reflecting on it while i strolled the streets in paris and knew that i wanted to post about for safe keeping.

now i must go and get the house ready for tomorrow i pick up my dear friend kimberly who arrives to spend the week with me that includes a weekend in montreal. 

a quick bonjour

dear friends, i am sitting in my uncle's apartement in paris. the window is open and i can hear the hussle and bussle that is city life outside. it is late in the morning but i find myself wanted to stay in, that is what happens in a beautiful paris apartement. in a few minutes i will head out and walk to the tuillerie after stopping at the boulangerie du pain et des idees to sit at a park bench, people watch and gather thoughts. i will walk some more after that, stop in at a cafe  or deux, more pattiseries and so on.  It is fashion week here, and  Paris Nuits Blanche is saturday, i have always wanted to attend. sunday it is free museum day and i am excited to visit a few, not to mention the Bio farmers market. I have a small list of things i want to do, things that i have writen down through out the year, i hope to do them, while allowing room for the unexpected, alley ways, cafe's, gardens along the way.

i can not wait to share with you my time in dordogne the wonderful women i met there, Le chateau Villars in the perigord, my special time in switzerland with juliana and of course paris.

hope you are doing well, a bientot!

* apple tree in gruet, switzerland on a  favorite walk.