quiet, a lavender sky and days with mum.

the sky has turned so dark that you would think it is closer to the evening than midday. the wind has picked up and the pieces of paper that casually sit on the table have blown to the ground. it is monday, monday is were i seek quietness to reset. my mum has been visiting and perhaps i have been too quiet for her liking, thank goodness for her love of books, i think she is on her fourth in just a week. our days have been one of early morning drives and late dinners. her craving meat and i sharing raw dishes making her forget her craving ( i hope) all the while picking what has been growing from the garden and stopping by farmers markets filling baskets.

looking up from my computer just now, i can see a real storm is coming. the next few days i will be getting the house, garden and animals ready as i take a quick trip to new york ( more on that at another time). i am nervous as usual to leave things behind, my mum will be at the helm. I think it is time to get the iphone i was gifted by mr. taylor activated. last night i welcomed the evening with a full heart after a wonderful day, this morning the fear that i will get trampled by the amount of work that needs to be done is swirling in my mind.  of course it will get it done, i am motivated by last minute pressure something that does not seem too good on the heart.

I  have been listening to Glen Hansard  rhythm and repose and even when away from his voice and walking in the fields through a stunning array of wild flowers his words replay in my mind like poetry
that i have learned to recite. Oh dear friends i recognize me in his written pieces and when that happens with any type of art, music, paintings, photographs it is as if i have walked into a film recounting the memories of my life and at the same time showing me scenes from what is yet to come.

the water, the flesh and the flame

perhaps it was the heat and the stillness of the air but as i stood in the pasture right before day became night i felt as if everything around me was spinning. it was not a fast spin but slow moving, i could see the horses finish the last of their supper grain and birds flying by, it took me a minute to realize that it was i that had been turning.  yet inside i felt as if a rush of emotions and thoughts had come to the surface all at once yet they struggled pushing against the inner layer of my skin, wanting desperately to get out. without a rush my steps became a steady run, i took off my hat and pulled my shirt over my head, my jeans fell to the ground and i barely slowed down to step out of them, within a minute i was in the pond. my life a quiet routine that has become  as precise as the ticking of a clock,  but now horses lifted their heads and dogs sat up from a resting positions, was their "roommate" having a breakdown.

no, no i was not in fact the complete opposite was taking place.  as the water moved around me and the sky became darker i knew that for far too long the flesh that covered my body was too thick and i had used it as a guard against heartbreak now that the layer had become thinner the inside call, yell, scream that had been trapped and silenced could penetrate through my flesh and make it out to be heard. maybe it was the cobblestones streets and deep laughter or the reflection in shop windows of who i once was and am again but something made it that even though this is strange sounding, as i was almost completely submerged in water i felt like my fire did not go out after all, there was doubt of course, but there would be none anymore.

food & freedom holiday in montreal

i have been home for a few days and that is how long it has taken me to calm down after my withdrawal from montreal, i had that good of a time.

( i hardly picked up my camera but i got a few shots)

it started when Tzurit picked me up on the hill, i love how much she loved the animals, it was the first time we met in person and i was nervous a little but as soon as she said can i pet the dogs i knew we would be alright. as we set off for montreal she put two maybe three huge brown paper handle bags from her amazing bakery in my lap, i was clearly going to start my food and freedom trip before we even left the driveway.

we drove through the  vermont country side as we chatted about our lives each asking one another questions, laughing, pondering and more laughing. we arrived in montreal and went up to our hotel room, then quickly set out for dinner the first night was one food disaster after the next but we still smiled, after all we where in montreal! the next morning we headed to Le Cartet for breakfast, i having my first baguette or bread of any kind since march and i enjoyed it fully! then on our way out Tzurit picked up chocolate since Le Carter has walls & walls of chocolate. she bought enough to to feed an entire nation but in her words, in case we are ever stranded on a highway  do you see why i love her so!  from there we went to Olivier Potier i spoke about this bakery before, we ordered our coffees, picked out many things from the bakery shelves and sat outside. the staff that took care of us was the sweetest guy he treated us like royalty and we kinda felt like we were for a moment. we sat outside tasting everything from financiers, almond croissants, apple tartatin and more, when i went inside to ask for a bag for what we did not eat, our kind waiter  shared such kind words with me to the point i hardly made it back to the table before big tears fell as i recounted to tzurit what he had shared with me. from there we decided to walk stopping in and out of stores before sore feet has us looking for a metro and when we did it turned out to be a maze, the longest subway station walk, we laughed so hard, took pictures. we stopped in more bakeries and stores before heading to the hotel room for a quick rest before going to Tzurit birthday dinner at Laloux, which was beautifully and simply decorated.

The next morning we started out at Olive Gourmand, one of my favorite places, can i just say how delicious everything is, Tzurit, loved it as well proof is we ate there two more times.  one afternoon, Aran who had just flown in for a workshop joined us along with mayssam the workshop organizer.  Tzurit and i headed to Mile End to look around and shop, we stopped into montreal famous bagel shop
St- Viateur and had bagels right from the wood fire, then coffee at Sparrow, okay there was a cast iron apple crumble too and a stop at my favorite vintage store Citizen vintage ( posted here before) where Tzurit scored a great jacket! then we discovered a little drogheria fine, a woman with an italian old world sexiness to her, a small kitchen with large pots creating her own sauces, olive oils and such, so perfect a place both in conception and details. That evening we had dinner with aran, mayssam at 400 coups it was delicious, i had a fresh cucumber soup i will never forget and the very talented pastry chef  Patrice Demers and owner spoiled us the restaurant it self is gorgeous! it was so great seeing aran in my hometown i think we both felt a freedom we are not used too because  usually we have a schedule & work to keep.

the next morning i picked up my mum and brought her back where she got to meet aran & tzurit what a treat this was. we had breakfast at  Le Carter, my last toasted baguette and more chocolate purchases by aran, my mum and tzurit.

I had one of the nicest times, felt very honored to have been invited by Tzurit, to be able to get to know her while having  big belly laughs, genuine moments of conversation.  instantly before we had even met in person felt like we where good friends and now i know for sure. Oh and incase you are looking for the bakery of your dreams Tzurit  has created it, twice-Tatte & Tatte Two

my days and the barn

there has been quiet days of hard work and relaxation. storms and sun have been present everyday and i like it. most of my days have been spent in my vegetable garden, the rain has been challenging for growing things but i love how a garden slowly becomes what you have imagined.  i have also been cleaning out "the barn" it is attached to the house and if i did not have animals would be known as the garage but with beautiful placed stones for flooring and beautiful aged wood, we call it the barn. in the summer we clear all the hay that has been stored which we just used  in trade for farrier work for the horses, how i like this type of transaction.  i set up a dining table, chandelier, chaise and ottoman and still have lots to do, although i must confess i have a different vision for it, a long farm table, benches,  grey and natural linens. this year i hope to use it every night for dinner, rain or shine and i will be blogging from my old grey gate leg table often in fact i am right now. i hope to spend time reading from the large wicker wing back chair as i hear the sound of birds and feel the breeze from my shaded spot.  every morning from sunrise to sunset the view is different here on the hill and a year into living here it never ceases to take my breath away.  the barn doors open to this view and as i write you pink lined clouds and soft feminine hues let you know that the sun is very close to setting and in just an hour or so after chores tonight , i  will  be able to sit with a cup of tea and watch the fireflies and stars transform the sky.

In a few days i head to Montreal, what a treat this of the most unexpected kind. a friend i have never met and i have quickly become close too, has asked and invited me to go along to celebrate her fortieth birthday,  i feel honored to do so. It is never easy leaving the farm but thanks to another surprise my dear k will be watching over things, knowing that in doing so i will be more relaxed to enjoy our food and freedom trip as Tzurit has named it. I can't wait to share with you our time. i am very much looking forward to it and specially getting to know more about someone i feel as if i have known for always.

so dear friends i wish you a wonderful week.

*  i am not happy with these  horrible images,  i will do better.

* i just came back after putting the chickens and ducks in, the light is so beautiful and soft and nightfall is upon us, this space has made me very happy typing away looking out.  the daisies i see from  here look magical, okay i am off to feed the horses, shower, make something nourishing for dinner and sit out here with a smile in my heart for having accomplished much this weekend.

when i, become the predator

i do not mean to post and this photograph is meant for another one. yet here i am writing, with a heavy heart. I disturbed a nest in my attempt to photograph three little baby robins. they flew and fell and i let out a  big oh no as i completely tried to make things right again, i scooped two up immediately and put them in their nest but the third one i could not find. i  spent so much time looking and every time i gave up i found myself trying again and again till tears became to heavy to see clearly but then i still tried, still trying.  i prayed to mother nature to help spare this little missing bird. i started second guessing was there actually three. the parents calling out and frantic my heart sank and my soul crashed, i did this. Soon after the parents found it best to take the others away from their nest in the lilac bush as dark clouds and wind came mimicking how my insides were feeling, bringing even more worry to this tiny robin family who have been working all afternoon to get away from the predator which is me. I am broken, was it not enough to have them by my door laying, nesting was it not enough to see three little beaks with my own eyes. why is it i feel need to document so much. i truly feel awful and i know dear readers you will say it not your fault, but it is my fault nature she is fragile and is meticulously planned and i disturbed this plan when i became to greedy.

a walk in tall grasses underneath a warm sky

perhaps it was the fact that the night before i drove into the city, for an hour or so of neon lights, rushing cars, garments on hangers, and a prepared mocha, ah the city. perhaps it was the unexpected storm, wind blown branches and torrential rains but when i woke and went outside, i felt more alive, quickly recognizing that somehow i had been dormant. the morning was cold, much different than what it had been the day before, the sky was a mix of grey and soft peaches. i knew i would walk, as i let the horses out into their grazing pasture i followed. i walked through lush blades of field grass and wildflowers made heavy with rain. i walked as my pants took up  water and within minutes my steps became heavy. the apple trees formed dry canopies were deer had visibly laid underneath for shelter.  i walked, observed, breathed and photographed.  happy was i to have found my way out through the fields underneath a warm stormy sky, by the time i reached home i was soaked all the way to my shoulders and my boots stuck to my legs like suction cups to glass. the fire i  had started to cut the chill in the air earlier was there to greet me, how happy this made me.  as i hung my wet clothes and washed my face with honey i thought about how even when you do not think it is possible you can take something for granted and as this thought came into mind i made a promise to myself to once and a while go where there is paved roads and streets lights only to return in full appreciation of my surroundings and to always walk out into fields of tall grass.